11 Secrets to Ending Fights in Your Relationships

By: Renee Kirsten
 
Whether you like someone or not there are going to be times when you have disagreements with your friends, family, partners, spouse, co-workers, or neighbors. Here are some powerful tricks to make sure your relationships are healthy and balanced!
 
1. Bring Up Problems ASAP
Many people will try to walk on eggshells or avoid bringing up how they feel but this will actually cause a lot of extra stress and issues in your relationship.

When you don’t tell someone how their behavior made you feel it is actually a form of manipulation.  It is holding on to the power or energy instead of passing it back so that they can learn and grow.  If people don’t know how they are affecting you then they cannot fix it.

If you don’t catch it in the moment or it is not an appropriate time make sure you bring it up with them as soon as you can.  The quicker you address issues and resolve them the better everyone will feel.

Have a hard time catching problems in real time?  One trick is to trust your gut.  If someone says something that creates a strange feeling in your stomach that is a sign that something happened that affected you.

When I get that feeling I will make a point to stop the conversation and if they are a close friend or loved one they will typically help me figure it out.

Example- In a calm balanced tone I will say: “Just a min please, when you said that I felt funny.  I am not sure why but I would like to figure it out before we move on so I can understand what you mean.”

Remember that what you say and what people hear is always going to be different.  This is because our mood, focus and perceptions are always filtering information.  Tone and energy can also be a huge factor in how information is transferred between people.
When issues are brought up stay calm and try to see what really happened instead of getting defensive.  I will go more into this later.

2. Be the Real You

It is very common to act different with friends and loved ones than you do alone or in public.  Part of feeling whole and being true to ourselves it to try and make these versions us as consistent as possible.

Be the real you, do what you feel compelled to do.  Say what you are really feeling.  If you aren’t interested in what someone is saying either find a way to truly get interested or find a topic you are both interested it.

Pretending to listen and be interested isn’t being true to yourself and is harmful to the people around you.  Be honest, polite and genuine in your interactions.




3. Treat People the Way THEY want to be Treated

Thats right, because we are all different we cannot treat people the way we want to be treated.  We have to learn more about the people around us and treat them the way they want to be treated.

We can’t feed a room of people our favorite flavor of ice cream and expect them to be as happy and excited about it as we are.  We need to reach out and make sure the people around us know that we know them.  We prove that to them by really getting to know them!

There is a very powerful article written by a hero of mine that goes into this topic more.  Check it out here!



4. Look into their Eyes and Recognise that you are One

In the end we are all human, we all have flaws and we all have fear.  As long as all parties are still coming to the table we need to keep doing our best to work out our differences.


I remember once getting into a fight with my husband.  I was so mad at him I wasn’t sure if I was ever going to be ok with him again.  What flipped it around for me was when I looked deep into his eyes and saw that the reason why he had lied was because he was afraid of being alone.

I felt that same fear deep inside myself and realized that I did things that were sometimes crazy to avoid ending up alone too.  Though our crimes looked different we had the same core fear about loneliness.  How could I be mad at him without also being mad at myself.

Like they say “The things you hate most in the people around you are things you cannot stand about yourself.”  Even if the behavior is different on the outside often the mirror of life is showing us problems we have inside ourselves.

Sometimes we cannot do anything to change the past and the only thing we can do is earnestly move forward to make a better tomorrow.

That helped me forgive my husband and also work hard to make sure I treated him with love and respect.  In the end I saw myself in his eyes and I knew that what I needed for growth in my life was understand and love.  So I gave that to him freely and we both healed.

5. Listen
When people are speaking to us we need to listen.  We need to really hear what they are saying and try to see through their eyes about the situation.  We need to learn to put ourself on pause in order to really do this well.

Focus on the moment and take in as much data as you can.  If you have feelings of fear try to take a deep breath and feel what the other person is feeling.  Fear will cloud your ability to see what is really going on.

Listen and ask questions until you feel that you can see what the other person means.
When you are the one expressing yourself make sure when you are done that you “pass the energy back” by asking them to express what they are feeling about the topic.  Creating a healthy flow is key to a good healthy relationship.  Check out this video on the Grand MisConception to learn more about the flow of energy in a relationship!

6. Observe how the Person is Feeling rather than Always Asking

Sometimes it is fine to ask someone how they are feeling but sometimes people get scared and won’t say everything that is going on.  They don’t always do it on purpose.  Sometimes people get upset and they don’t remember what caused it.

That is why sometimes we need to be a bit of a detective to help them out.  Often the answers are all around us and we just need to use our senses to observe the environment to learn more.

Look around- Is the area messy?  Are there bad smells?  Did you forget to put away the laundry?  Clean up all of your vibrations and make sure that you pay attention to what could be straining the physical space.

Think back- Was there something said recently that would cause a misunderstanding?  Are there any important dates or big events that have happened or are coming soon?  Are you aware of any strained relationships or emotional patterns that could be causing problems?


If you see someone struggling to do something, it is often better to jump in and help rather than ask the person if they need help.  Such as opening a door or carrying in groceries.

Don’t Ignore people when they appear to need your help.  Sometimes we pretend to not notice because we aren’t feeling good, we are being lazy or are just plain busy.  Those are the times that we need to go out of our way to help the people around us.

If we don’t know what we should do we should ask them:

“Hey, I see that you are upset, I want to help but I am not sure exactly how.  I have thought of X, Y and Z but I wanted to check with you first to see if there is anything else that would really make a big difference.”

One of the most powerful things to recognise about the example above is that you took the time to recognise that the other person is hurting AND have already come up with a few ideas to help them out.  If they are hurting or upset don’t make them do all the work in coming up with a way to make it better.

The last biggest part of listening that is important is allowing people to fully feel the emotions they are feeling.  Especially in times of loss and grieving we have to resist the urge to change the subject, avoid talking about hard topics, or diffuse the situation.  It is ok to talk about the real issues.  It is healthy to explore fears about death and other culturally taboo topics.

7. Find out their Favorite Food/Treat

When vibrations are low and people aren’t happy sometimes a special treat or act of service is exactly what they need to reverse the downward spiral.  Pay attention to what people like to eat, drink or receive so that you can cheer them up.

This will show the person that you not only cared enough to know what they like but you noticed that they are feeling a little down.  You showed them that you care.

If you want to know more about this check out the book The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman to find out more about yourself and those you are close to.

8. Be Patient

Recognize that we are all human.  We all make mistakes.  If we want people to be patient with us when we mess up we must do the same for them.  No matter how smart or spiritual you are we all have bad days and make mistakes.  There is nothing wrong with this.

Part of being a loving being of light is allowing others to make mistakes and working with them on their personal growth.  Many of us are reprograming our minds to react in the best way possible in all situations.  There will be times when we are scared, tired or angry and we will make mistakes.

9. Breathe

When things get hard take a few deep breaths and see try to see the situation from the other person’s eyes.  Hearing that we messed up is almost always an uncomfortable feeling.  Often we immediately either deny that we did anything wrong or have a list of excuses as to why we acted that way.

We need to grow into responsible souls that take ownership of our own creations.  What that means is that if someone is offended or confused because of something we did then we need to take the appropriate steps to clarify, apologize and then fix the situation.

If we are unable to fix it then we need to be extra cautious in the future to avoid making the same mess.  That is how we will avoid loops of repeated problems in our relationships.

It is also our responsibility to create a safe space where people feel comfortable coming to us and expressing how they feel.

If people are taking the time and being brave enough to tell you what you did to hurt them then this is a message from the universe to look at ourselves and grow.  Thank the person for being brave enough to tell you how they felt about what you did.

10. Admit When you are Wrong
This takes a lot of guts but is also one of the biggest signs of a mature soul.  Tell people when you recognise that you created a situation or said something that caused them harm.

“I see that when I said that, it could have caused pain in you.  I am very sorry for doing that.  I am working on how I word things and making sure that I am respectful of you and your feelings.”  

You may also ask them for ideas that you can use in the future to handle that situation with them better.  People typically want to help you be nicer to them and will gladly give you ideas to improve how you interact with them.

11. Gratitude

Frequently tell the other person when you recognise them doing things for you or sacrificing for you.

“Hey, I saw that you missed your favorite TV show to make sure I came home to a clean house.  I really appreciate that.” 

“Thank you for telling me that, I know it can be scary to talk about feelings but I want you to know that I recognise the courage you just displayed.” 

“Thank you for listening to me while I figure this out.  What are your thoughts?”

“Thank you for suggesting we go to my favorite restaurant.  I really appreciate you caring about me and taking interest in what I like to eat. “

A little gratitude will go a long way with the people around you and encourage them to interact in a more healthy way with you aswell.  Leading by example is the best way to show others how you wish to be treated.

In life we all have things we can learn and become better at.  It takes practice and understanding.  Talk to the people you are close with and let them know that you are working on creating healthier relationships in your life.  Ask them to give you feedback and be patient as you learn to express how you really feel.




Source: http://thespiritscience.net/2014/09/26/11-secrets-to-ending-fights-in-your-relationships-2/

Cops release mom of 9

By Carolyn Kissoon

Story Created: Feb 8, 2015 at 10:35 PM ECT

Story Updated: Feb 8, 2015 at 10:35 PM ECT 

 

Mother of nine, Hazel Ann Daniel, a suspect in the murder of Churchill James, was released from police custody on Saturday.

Daniel, a 47-year-old victim of domestic abuse, returned to her children at their Doorbal Road, Brasso Piedra Road, Brasso home.

James, 53, died two Saturdays ago after Daniel threw gasoline on him and set him on fire.
Police said Daniel was at home with a male friend when James, armed with a cutlass, jumped her front gate and forced himself into the house.

She got hold of a brush-cutter and threw the gas from it on James, then used a lighter to set him on fire.

Police officers arrived shortly after and took James to Chaguanas District Health Facility, where he died while undergoing treatment.

After James died, police returned to the house and detained Daniel. A restraining order against James had ended their relationship after some 15 months.

Her attorney, Fareed Ali, said Assistant Director of Public Prosecutions Joan Honore-Paul deliberated over the facts for the greater part of some two days before coming to the decision to treat Daniel’s actions as self defence.

Daniel was placed in a holding cell at the Gasparillo police station for the past seven days, as she was subject of a police investigation.

Following her release, Daniel told her attorney she can finally breathe and “felt as free as a bird”.

Daniel, a labourer at the Couva/Tabaquite/Talparo Regional Corporation, had endured months of abuse but was prompted to take out a restraining order against James after he chopped up her dog last October, her attorney said. 

 

Source:  http://www.trinidadexpress.com/news/Cops-release-mom-of-9-291218821.html

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Pope condemns female mutilation, domestic violence against women

A woman and her daughter take a selfie with Pope Francis during the

Wednesday general audience in Paul VI hall at the Vatican January 21, 2015.

VATICAN CITY, Feb 7 (Reuters) - Pope Francis on Saturday condemned female mutilation and domestic violence against women, calling them degradations that had to be combated.

"The many forms of slavery, the commercialisation, and mutilation of the bodies of women, call out to us to be committed to defeat these types of degradation that reduce them to mere objects that are bought and sold ...," he told a meeting on women's issues hosted by the Vatican's Council for Culture.

According to the United Nations, more than 140 million girls and women have undergone some form of Female Genital Mutilation (FGM) around the world, mostly in Africa and the Middle East.

He also denounced domestic violence against women.

"Although it is a symbol of life, the female body is unfortunately not rarely attacked and disfigured, even by those who should be its protector and life companion," he said.

The pope recently met with an Italian woman who underwent many operations after her boyfriend threw acid in her face to punish her because she wanted to leave him.

Francis also repeated that he wanted women to have a greater role in the 1.2 billion member Roman Catholic Church. He did not mention the Church's ban on women priests. He has said before that the "door is closed" on the issue.

He told the group he wanted to see "a more capillary and incisive female presence" throughout the Church, adding that women should be given more pastoral responsibilities in parishes and dioceses and that there should be more women theologians.

Francis has said before that he is studying ways of giving nuns and other women senior positions in the male-dominated Vatican. (Reporting By Philip Pullella; Editing by Stephen Powell)

Source: Reuters - Sat, 7 Feb 2015 14:39 GMT

Author: Reuters

Domestic Violence and the Professional Woman

Story Created: Feb 3, 2015 at 12:44 AM ECT

Story Updated: Feb 3, 2015 at 12:44 AM ECT

 

SYMBOL OF PERSEVERANCE: Marcia Henville. –Photo: STEPHEN DOOBAY

The murder of veteran journalist and television presenter Marcia Henville has left an entire nation but more specifically the population of professional women, advocates for women and activists for the at-risk and vulnerable, deeply disturbed by this tragedy. If in fact her death proves to be an act of domestic violence then what resonates with many members of the public is the apparent paradox of her life. How can women who are educated, respected and well-networked (a) end up in an abusive relationship (b) stay in an abusive relationship and (c) fall victim to such horrendous acts of violence?
 

The Rape Crisis Society and the Coalition Against Domestic Violence continuously strive to debunk the erroneous perceptions of who fits the profile of victim and perpetrator of the scourge of domestic violence. While the population at large is fed a diet of pamphlets, articles, documentaries, billboards and radio shows about domestic violence, there are some undeniable facts that are frequently swept under the proverbial carpet.
 

More often than not, it is the unwillingness of the public to accept that being a trained professional, being an advocate for the downtrodden, being a member of a respected, well-to-do family does not preclude persons from being victim or perpetrator, and this denial helps to reinforce the misinformation that victims are uneducated and poverty-stricken and perpetrators likewise.

In fact an example of this occurred during a series of radio programmes about sexual and domestic violence in which the Rape Crisis Society participated a few years ago. The discussion centred on the predicament that professional women face when they encounter domestic violence and the host appeared incredulous at this scenario. In his perplexed state, the discussion quickly morphed into debate, with the therapist trying to paint a picture which he just could not/would not entertain. The series came to a foreshortened, abrupt end.

The ugly truth is that all women are potential victims of domestic violence—be it physical, mental, financial or sexual. This is fact. While many perpetrators of domestic violence fit a particular profile of being possessive, unreasonable, distrusting with stalker-like behaviour and the tendency to isolate the victim, others simply do not, at first glance, exhibit these traits which makes it difficult for the untrained eye to see the warning signs and recognise the fatal danger to which victims become ensnared.

Both victims and perpetrators can be of any social class, any educational background and any ethnicity. Hence being a judge, lawyer, doctor or CEO does not exclude one from encountering difficult and abusive situations or perpetrating them.

Neither does it exclude one from the agony of having to make life-changing decisions for one and one’s children nor does it exclude one from the thoughts of potential shame and embarrassment about one’s reputation if the abuse were to be revealed. In fact, recent research has supported the very notion that has long gone underreported. Professional women who have better jobs and earn more than their spouses have an increased likelihood of being physically and mentally abused. Some explain that these emasculated spouses attempt to rebalance the shift in power by lowering her status in the relationship and reinstating traditional gender roles.

So you ask, ‘how can some women be bold, logical and well-connected in one sphere and in their private lives… be willing to tolerate abuse?” Victims of abuse often have factors which make them feel tied to the abuser. Quite often children, debt, love, co-dependency and the stability of routines keep a victim in the deadly limbo of staying versus leaving. In fact, some believe that staying is the only way of remaining alive, as the threat of death is real and even the most efficient justice system can offer little protection. This is often better understood by those who have either personally experienced such violence or those who have intimate knowledge of it. For others on the periphery, uninformed judgments are not only unhelpful but more so, dangerous to the already traumatised and abused woman.

So victims make choices. Some chose to report to the police and withstand the rigours of the justice system in addition to secondary victimisation by family and friends. Others chose to risk the shame and confide in others—a mother, a friend, a priest, a therapist. This may or may not help. An ultimatum by a seemingly helpful friend to leave him or help will no longer be offered only further isolates the victim. When friendships sour because of it, scornful lips might spew out ‘well…she like it so’ and ‘she look for it.” Counselling may begin a journey towards self-preservation, safety and healing. It can provide a safe space where venting and careful evaluation of options can occur. However, it is recommended that specialists in the field determine whether or not this can be accessed safely and if not, what are alternative options.

With regard to professional women who may be encountering abuse, we emphasise the need to seek intervention. If not in-person, then at least by phone, at first. Seek help secretly as far as is possible without increasing the risk of harm to oneself or loved ones.

For even the fearless deserve a space to cry, even the educated need to be reminded about the patterns of abuse, even the analytical need someone to render a different perspective, even the well-networked need a confidential, listening ear. At the end of the day, victims, like the rest of us, just want to keep a family together, develop a career and survive the challenges that life brings.

As women working together for a common cause, we cover our heads and mourn the loss of a champion. Marcia’s death must never be considered a defeat, but rather her life must be remembered as a symbol of the very spirit that it takes to persevere. Whatever her personal battles, she served a nation. She dared to cross borders, she brought comfort to suffering people and spoke out fearlessly. May God rest her soul and may justice prevail.

The Rape Crisis Society of Trinidad and Tobago and the Coalition Against Domestic Violence can be contacted for help at any time. Phone 627-7273, e-mail rapecrisistnt@yahoo.com. 

 

Source: http://www.trinidadexpress.com/featured-news/Domestic-violence-and--the-professional-woman-290612951.html

Teen Dating Violence Prevention Awareness Month

Be part of the conversation this month about healthy relationships.