By:
Renee Kirsten
Whether you like someone or not there are going to be times when you
have disagreements with your friends, family, partners, spouse,
co-workers, or neighbors. Here are some powerful tricks to make sure
your relationships are healthy and balanced!
1. Bring Up Problems ASAP
Many
people will try to walk on eggshells or avoid bringing up how they feel
but this will actually cause a lot of extra stress and issues in your
relationship.
When you don’t tell someone how their behavior made you feel it is
actually a form of manipulation. It is holding on to the power or
energy instead of passing it back so that they can learn and grow. If
people don’t know how they are affecting you then they cannot fix it.
If you don’t catch it in the moment or it is not an appropriate time make sure you bring it up with them as
soon as you can. The quicker you address issues and resolve them the better everyone will feel.
Have
a hard time catching problems in real time? One trick is to trust your
gut. If someone says something that creates a strange feeling in your
stomach that is a sign that something happened that affected you.
When I get that feeling I will make a point to stop the conversation
and if they are a close friend or loved one they will typically help me
figure it out.
Example- In a calm balanced tone I will say:
“Just a min
please, when you said that I felt funny. I am not sure why but I would
like to figure it out before we move on so I can understand what you
mean.”
Remember that what you say and what people hear is always going to be
different. This is because our mood, focus and perceptions are always
filtering information. Tone and energy can also be a huge factor in how
information is transferred between people.
When issues are brought up stay calm and try to see what really
happened instead of getting defensive. I will go more into this later.
2. Be the Real You
It
is very common to act different with friends and loved ones than you do
alone or in public. Part of feeling whole and being true to ourselves
it to try and make these versions us as consistent as possible.
Be the real you, do what you feel compelled to do. Say what you are
really feeling. If you aren’t interested in what someone is saying
either find a way to truly get interested or find a topic you are both
interested it.
Pretending to listen and be interested isn’t being true to yourself
and is harmful to the people around you. Be honest, polite and genuine
in your interactions.
3. Treat People the Way THEY want to be Treated
Thats
right, because we are all different we cannot treat people the way we
want to be treated. We have to learn more about the people around us
and treat them the way they want to be treated.
We can’t feed a room of people our favorite flavor of ice cream and
expect them to be as happy and excited about it as we are. We need to
reach out and make sure the people around us know that we know them. We
prove that to them by really getting to know them!
There is a very powerful article written by a hero of mine that goes into this topic more.
Check it out here!
4. Look into their Eyes and Recognise that you are One
In the end we are all human, we all have flaws and we all have fear.
As long as all parties are still coming to the table we need to keep
doing our best to work out our differences.
I remember once getting into a fight with my husband. I was so mad
at him I wasn’t sure if I was ever going to be ok with him again. What
flipped it around for me was when I looked deep into his eyes and saw
that the reason why he had lied was because he was afraid of being
alone.
I felt that same fear deep inside myself and realized that I did
things that were sometimes crazy to avoid ending up alone too. Though
our crimes looked different we had the same core fear about loneliness.
How could I be mad at him without also being mad at myself.
Like they say
“The things you hate most in the people around you are things you cannot stand about yourself.” Even if the behavior is different on the outside often the mirror of life is showing us problems we have inside ourselves.
Sometimes we cannot do anything to change the past and the only thing we
can do is earnestly move forward to make a better tomorrow.
That helped me forgive my husband and also work hard to make sure I
treated him with love and respect. In the end I saw myself in his eyes
and I knew that what I needed for growth in my life was understand and
love. So I
gave that to him
freely and we both healed.
5. Listen
When
people are speaking to us we need to listen. We need to really hear
what they are saying and try to see through their eyes about the
situation. We need to learn to put ourself on pause in order to really
do this well.
Focus on the moment and take in as much data as you can. If you have
feelings of fear try to take a deep breath and feel what the other
person is feeling. Fear will cloud your ability to see what is really
going on.
Listen and ask questions until you feel that you can see what the other person means.
When you are the one expressing yourself make sure when you are done that you
“pass the energy back”
by asking them to express what they are feeling about the topic.
Creating a healthy flow is key to a good healthy relationship. Check
out this
video on the Grand MisConception to learn more about the flow of energy in a relationship!
6. Observe how the Person is Feeling rather than Always Asking
Sometimes
it is fine to ask someone how they are feeling but sometimes people get
scared and won’t say everything that is going on. They don’t always do
it on purpose. Sometimes people get upset and they don’t remember what
caused it.
That is why sometimes we need to be a bit of a detective to help them
out. Often the answers are all around us and we just need to use our
senses to observe the environment to learn more.
Look around- Is the area messy? Are there bad
smells? Did you forget to put away the laundry? Clean up all of your
vibrations and make sure that you pay attention to what could be
straining the physical space.
Think back- Was there something said recently that
would cause a misunderstanding? Are there any important dates or big
events that have happened or are coming soon? Are you aware of any
strained relationships or emotional patterns that could be causing
problems?
If you see someone struggling to do something, it is often better to
jump in and help rather than ask the person if they need help. Such as
opening a door or carrying in groceries.
Don’t Ignore people when they appear to need your
help. Sometimes we pretend to not notice because we aren’t feeling
good, we are being lazy or are just plain busy. Those are the times
that we need to go out of our way to help the people around us.
If we don’t know what we should do we should ask them:
“Hey, I see that you are upset, I want to help but I am
not sure exactly how. I have thought of X, Y and Z but I wanted to
check with you first to see if there is anything else that would really
make a big difference.”
One of the most powerful things to recognise about the example above
is that you took the time to recognise that the other person is
hurting AND have already come up with a few ideas to help them out. If
they are hurting or upset don’t make them do all the work in coming up
with a way to make it better.
The last biggest part of listening that is important is allowing
people to fully feel the emotions they are feeling. Especially in times
of
loss and grieving we have to resist the urge to
change the subject, avoid talking about hard topics, or diffuse the
situation. It is ok to talk about the real issues. It is healthy to
explore fears about death and other culturally taboo topics.
7. Find out their Favorite Food/Treat
When vibrations are low and people aren’t happy sometimes a special treat or act of service is exactly what they need to
reverse the downward spiral. Pay attention to what people like to eat, drink or receive so that you can cheer them up.
This will show the person that you not only cared enough to know what
they like but you noticed that they are feeling a little down.
You showed them that you care.
If you want to know more about this check out the book
The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman to find out more about yourself and those you are close to.
8. Be Patient
Recognize
that we are all human. We all make mistakes. If we want people to be
patient with us when we mess up we must do the same for them. No matter
how smart or spiritual you are we all have bad days and make mistakes.
There is nothing wrong with this.
Part of being a loving being of light is allowing others to make
mistakes and working with them on their personal growth. Many of us are
reprograming our minds to react in the best way possible in all
situations. There will be times when we are scared, tired or angry and
we will make mistakes.
9. Breathe
When
things get hard take a few deep breaths and see try to see the
situation from the other person’s eyes. Hearing that we messed up is
almost always an uncomfortable feeling. Often we immediately either
deny that we did anything wrong or have a list of excuses as to why we
acted that way.
We need to grow into responsible souls that take
ownership
of our own creations. What that means is that if someone is offended
or confused because of something we did then we need to take the
appropriate steps to clarify, apologize and then fix the situation.
If we are unable to fix it then we need to be extra cautious in the
future to avoid making the same mess. That is how we will avoid loops
of repeated problems in our relationships.
It is also our responsibility to
create a safe space where people feel comfortable coming to us and expressing how they feel.
If people are taking the time and being brave enough to tell you what
you did to hurt them then this is a message from the universe to look
at ourselves and grow. Thank the person for being brave enough to tell
you how they felt about what you did.
10. Admit When you are Wrong
This
takes a lot of guts but is also one of the biggest signs of a mature
soul. Tell people when you recognise that you created a situation or
said something that caused them harm.
“I see that when I said that, it could have caused pain
in you. I am very sorry for doing that. I am working on how I word
things and making sure that I am respectful of you and your feelings.”
You may also ask them for ideas that you can use in the future to
handle that situation with them better. People typically want to help
you be nicer to them and will gladly give you ideas to improve how you
interact with them.
11. Gratitude
Frequently tell the other person when you recognise them doing things for you or sacrificing for you.
“Hey, I saw that you missed your favorite TV show to make sure I came home to a clean house. I really appreciate that.”
“Thank you for telling me that, I know it can be scary to
talk about feelings but I want you to know that I recognise the courage
you just displayed.”
“Thank you for listening to me while I figure this out. What are your thoughts?”
“Thank you for suggesting we go to my favorite
restaurant. I really appreciate you caring about me and taking interest
in what I like to eat. “
A little gratitude will go a long way with the people around you and
encourage them to interact in a more healthy way with you aswell.
Leading by example is the best way to show others how you wish to be
treated.
In life we all have things we can learn and become better at. It takes practice and understanding.
Talk to the people you
are close with and let them know that you are working on creating
healthier relationships in your life. Ask them to give you feedback and
be patient as you learn to express how you really feel.
Source: http://thespiritscience.net/2014/09/26/11-secrets-to-ending-fights-in-your-relationships-2/
