Looking for a Cure to Violence

Published on Nov 30, 2015, 6:50 pm AST

School fights, child abuse, domestic violence and police brutality dominate the news. They are often viewed as discrete issues demanding separate solutions, when they are instead common threads weaving into the fabric that is our culture of violence.

As a teenager, I considered the border between corporal punishment and child abuse as shaped by ensuring the child also understood you loved him/her; understood “licks” was a form of discipline; was never beaten in anger; and was never hurt “too much”. While these parameters may make sense to a society fully sold into the licks doctrine, they are not firmly enshrined in law.

The Children's Act affirms the legality of “reasonable” corporal punishment without distinguishing it from “assault”.

With the line between “just enough licks” and “too much” still legally blurry, ask yourself – if every time you beat your child were filmed, would you be exonerated in the court of public opinion or otherwise?

Some look to escalating school violence and call the removal of corporal punishment as its cause. I'm not so sure.

School violence always existed; social media has simply made it more visible. Any increase may be more appropriately ascribed to students acclimatising to increasing violence in the wider society, as evidenced by soaring crime.

I further suggest children who fight in schools fight not because teachers can't beat them, but because parents already do.

Homes where licks is the main form of discipline will not automatically produce violent individuals, but it may shape minds which see violence as an important component of solutions to problems.
Some percentage of homes will always be “broken”, add licks to mix and society will invariably produce more violent individuals.

So, when confronted by problems, how else could students respond but with fists and feet? And then, if a man can beat his child, why can't he beat his wife? And if he can beat a small, defenceless person, surely a policeman can beat a suspected criminal.

Some policemen, incapable of proper investigative work, attempt to beat suspects into confession. This perfectly encapsulates our problem.

There are ways to deal with undisciplined children other than beatings, but much like some policemen, we don't know how to effect the alternatives, so we default to the method we know.
Our thinking must shift from punitive to rehabilitative. Punishment forces us do right using fear of the physical, mental or financial pain associated with getting caught. Rehabilitation imparts the understanding of why doing right is better and, importantly, provide tools to make that choice easier.
I am not saying punishment has no place in society – only that its place in ours is far too significant, and that the violent component of punishment is central when it should be marginal.
I am also not trying to take your belt away – only asking that you properly consider other options before resorting to it.

Discipline without licks will require more time, effort and creativity, but there are many books and websites dedicated to such – educate yourself. More knowledge is always better than less.
Some rail against this thinking, but the evidence in progressive countries supports me. Some say our culture is different, but do we know this to be a fact?

Did licks instil the discipline apparent in our most successful and least violent citizens? I believe licks more likely shaped our prison population, but absent the research, my proposition is as good as yours.
Still, I agree that our culture is “different”. It is mired in violence. It is flawed. It needs an overhaul. Because violence among and against children, by domestic partners and police will not be solved by what our culture dictates – more violence.

Taryn Salazar

Source: http://www.trinidadexpress.com/20151130/letters/looking-for-a-cure-to-violence

Over 5,500 Calls for Help to Hotline in One Year

Published on Aug 5, 2015, 8:51 pm AST
By Kim Boodram


MORE than 5,000 calls for help were made to the National Domestic Violence hotlines from October 2012 to September 2013, Minister in the Ministry of Gender Youth and Child Development Stacy Roopna­rine said yesterday.

Roop­narine said despite efforts from all quarters, gender-based violence was on the rise.

She was speaking at a stakehol­der consultation to develop a commu- nica­tion strategy for the prevention of violence against women and children in Trinidad and Tobago, at the Radisson Hotel in Port of Spain.

“In addition to 5,522 calls to the hotline, the Trinidad and Tobago Police Service had repor­ted 689 cases of sexual offences from January to September in 2013.

“This represented an increase of more than 200, compared with the whole of 2011,” Roopnarine said.
Reported sexual offences involving female victims numbered 573 for the period 2012 while the number of charges for sexual assault with female victims totalled 260 for the same period, Roopnarine said.

“For the period January to August 2013, the number of reported sexual offences with female victims amounted to 266, compared to the number of charges for sexual assault with female victims of 116 for the same period,” she added.
Government was committed to addressing gender-based violence and as a member of the United Nations, the country had signed and ratified various international treaties and conventions without reservation, Roopnarine said.

“These instruments have always emphasised that member nations put in place all the necessary mechanisms needed to eliminate gender discrimination, ensure equality and human dignity to all,” she said.

Gender-based violence had however continued to rise and allevia­ting this social disease had proven to be enormously difficult, she said.

“There is still the need to find conceptual vehicles and practical mechanisms through which the problem of violence against wo­men and children can be addressed,” Roopnarine said, going on to suggest an effective communication stra- tegy process is an important tool.

Earlier interventions needed

Dr Bernadette Theodore-Gandi, Pan American Health Organisation (PAHO) representative, in her address, said globally, up to 35 per cent of women had experienced either physical and/or sexual intimate-partner violence or non-partner sexual violence.

“Across the region, women who reported physical or sexual violence by an intimate partner were also more likely to report unwanted or unintended pregnancies.

“Under these circumstances, the potential for unsafe abortions increase, and these women are also at risk for sexually transmitted infections,” Theodore-Gandi said.

Lasting change and a permanent break in the cycle of violence meant in addition to enacting appropriate legislation, having sustained programmes to move the population towards more peaceful norms and early and sustained interventions to at-risk families, she said.

Source: http://www.trinidadexpress.com/20150805/news/stacy-over-5500-calls-for-help-to-hotline-in-one-year

I am a survivor of DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

Nester Flanders-Skeete

By Lorraine Waldropt-Ferguson

Story Created: Mar 20, 2015 at 8:59 PM ECT

Story Updated: Mar 20, 2015 at 8:59 PM ECT

Have you ever started watching a horror movie and you keep wondering when you will see the happy ending? Scenes that evoke an emotional onslaught of pain, hurt and despair. It seems like too much to digest. This is how I feel when domestic violence survivor/mentor, Nester Flanders-Skeete talks about her experiences in a violent relationship.

“It was licks like peas, both verbal and physical. I got married young, had my kids, but the domestic violence was a part of our lives from day one. I didn’t have anywhere to run. The beatings were terrible girl. Everyone knew but no one really reached out until later on. I remember running to my father and stepmother’s home once and them marching me back to my husband. ‘Yuh have to go back to yuh husband, that is where yuh belong!’, they said.” It became a cycle, my sons were young, I would get my licks, leave and then frustrated by nowhere and no one to turn to I would come back to the same situation. He was more than250 pounds; he used his size to intimidate me!”- remembers the mother of six.

The 52-year-old woman then scratches her head and begins another episode in her horror story-”I tuck away all these things girl, deep down in my head. I am digging them up to tell you. You see domestic violence victims try to forget the pain and suffering, tuck away the memories under the carpet but the truth is these things live with you, girl. Like one day my violator (then husband) was fixing the water heater and I turned it on by mistake. Well boy, I missed his cutlass swing by an inch. Like if I was in a trance. I just grab my children and run”.

“Did you return? I ask to which she laughs cynically. “You know how many times I leave and come back. The next thing I must tell you about battered women — we feel alone in the world. Is as if the world moving on and you just staying one place. In those days I was in my own bubble, I didn’t even know what was going on in the country or even in my village in Pointe-a-Pierre. All I know was I had to do everything possible to stay alive. Sometimes I wanted to kill him. Yes, ‘is either me or he have to dead’, I used to say until he silence me with some slaps and more and then the cycle started all over again,” the former Couva Junior Secondary School pupil enlightens.” Did you try to contact anybody at the Battered Women’s Association of Trinidad and Tobago or other help lines?- I am trying to decipher if she had enough options to leave the horrifying situation. “Hotline? In those days it didn’t have all the organisations and NGOs that exist today. All there was back then was Dateline, the TV Show. It was a Dateline show with former TV woman, Allison Hennessey, actually that made me realise that this situation wasn’t normal and that I should try to get out once and for all,” Flander-Skeete states.

That horror movie. As I listen to even more segments of violence, frustration and near-death attacks in this domestic violence survivor’s journal of experiences I realise why she stayed in the relationship for so long. Like many women in her situation she had no place to run to, no place to hide, no resources to make it on her own.

“I passed through hell on earth and I joined a Baptist Church and started building my spirituality brick by brick. By this time I had four children. And that was the thing, I had sexual issues too. I was raped at gunpoint when I was 18.” Wait, raped? It’s starting to feel like scenes from the movie Texas Chainsaw Massacre again. And then she inserts the many times she tried to commit suicide, her heart problems and nervous breakdowns due to stress…

Ahhh! but after a few minutes my moment has come, the storyline begins turning around, the happy ending is coming. The saga continues- eventually, Flanders-Skeete decided enough was enough. An inkling of independence and a new purpose engulfed her as she enrolled as a security guard and made her ultimate move out of her abyss of domestic violence. “I moved out for good. I had become stronger to face my reality. Girl, I just get this drive from God to delete myself from the pain. I move out yes!”

Her children stayed with their dad, fatherhood was an art which he perfected, explained the former employee of Self-help for the Elderly. With time the new and improved Nester Flanders-Skeete sought the help she needed from various helplines which were now emerging in Trinidad. And, she met a new guy who treated her as a queen and gave her the support she badly needed. Soon her wounds began to heal. “Healing could not have taken place without my deep spirituality and the people I met who helped greatly in the later half. Girl, is my new love who really bring me out of it too. We used to just sit down and talk about life. Soon I start to come to terms with my bad past and healing started!”

But the real happy ending is brainchild NGO, Domestic Violence Survivors Reaching Out (DVSRO), an organisation which Flanders-Skeete founded three years ago. A group of domestic violence survivors, qualified personnel, and friends, coming together as the voice of the scared, silent and abused, DVSRO’s main focus is to stop the violence in homes, communities and schools. “This idea came to me because I wanted to be the voice for others, the voice I never had in my years of pain. Our mission is to reach out to the confused, misused, and abused in domestic violence. We want to open the eyes of those who are and could be potential victims. Identifying the red flags even before it happens, reducing the risk surrounding domestic violence and encouraging them to speak up and seek assistance; those are some of our goals. Breaking the silence and cycle, and identifying what is domestic violence and even the red flags by which it can be recognised are also real important in saving a woman who is being abused,” she declares.

Today she is the one many organisations turn to for help with domestic violence and other cases against. Through DVSRO, Flanders-Skeete also provides outreach, workshops, motivational talks and more to many communities in T&T. Her source of funding on many occasions are through fund-raisers such as barbeques but through her commitment and that of others on her team she is successful in carrying out her new purpose which is to save as many women as she can before it’s too late.

“Before its too late like what happened to Marcia Henville. She was a good friend of mine and someone who I referred my cases to at times,” sighs the vibrant leader on the death of media personality and activist, Marcia Henville. I sigh as well.

Very soon DVSRO will undertake a new initiative to build a Home for Battered Women. I acknowledge with awe the fact that Nester Flanders-Skeete’s plot has changed. I get my happy ending but it’s not just the perfect conclusion for my interview but the perfect SOS for many women out there in the midst of domestic violence and other social ills.

Source:  http://www.trinidadexpress.com/woman-magazine/I-am-a-survivor-of-297095171.html

Tackle domestic violence from early

Story Created: Mar 12, 2015 at 8:20 PM ECT

Story Updated: Mar 12, 2015 at 8:20 PM ECT 

 

 The Prime Minister’s recent pledge to strengthen laws to combat violence against women, in commemoration of International Women’s Day, is a well-intentioned yet lacklustre plan. Public policy can only go so far when there exists a crisis in our national mindset, and this announcement comes as simply another attempt to bandage a wound without actually getting to the root of the issue.

 

There is in fact a fundamental prob­lem with the way in which men view women in our society, and the measures proposed to address the national scourge of domestic violence merely scratch the surface. While it is undeniable women have visibly made their mark in fields such as education, media and commerce, touting their commendable achievements does not erase this underlying concern. 

 

The tragic case of Marcia Henville, a prominent and successful public figure whose life was allegedly cut short by her estranged husband, highlights the fact domestic abuse knows no limits. This is compounded by the results of a 2013 UNAIDS survey which revealed while most respondents considered domestic violence to be a problem in Trinidad and Tobago, one in seven men claimed it acceptable to beat their wife if she were unfaithful. Even more shocking is half of those surveyed believe a woman dressing provocatively could encourage a man to rape her. A man literally leading a woman along by a piece of rope is a clear reflection of what lies deep within part of our population’s psyche—that it is acceptable to dehumanise and objectify women. These examples are symptoms of a grim epidemic which demands an urgent and comprehensive response. 

Although the plan to implement “women city centres” is a positive initiative, it intends to undertake the matter from the wrong end. After all, prevention is better than cure, hence why these announcements appear to be nothing more than a half-hearted effort to better the lives of our nation’s women. 

 

If the Prime Minister and her Gov­ernment were truly committed to supporting policies which would benefit women, this plan would instead be directed towards tackling domestic abuse at its source, by introducing an educational scheme through which both males and females learn about gender equality from the youngest possible age.  

 

Providing information for females alone is pointless; these centres should also prioritise educating men on a national scale to ensure the universal understanding and appreciation for the rights of women. The solution must therefore be two-pronged, not only incorporating both sexes but also addressing the causes and consequences of violence against women. 

 

When all is said and done, the significant strides taken by our many female leaders in their respective industries are negated as long as women continue to be victims of abuse in public and in their own homes. The only way to see that this ends is to confront this problem from the ground up, rather than repeatedly suggesting the same misdirected approach. 

 

Shannon Miller

Leicester, England

 

Source: http://www.trinidadexpress.com/letters/Tackle-domestic-violence-from-early-296148501.html

Child witnesses parents’ murder/suicide: Abusive husband kills wife, self

Sascha Wilson

Published: Monday, March 9, 2015

Jessica Brereton, shot dead. Anil Lalmansingh, committed suicide.

As women across the world yesterday celebrated International Women’s Day, a Marabella family were grief-stricken after man killed his wife and himself in the presence of their five-year-old daughter. The murder/suicide has left the families of both Jessica Brereton, 34, and Anil Lalmansingh, 41, of South Oropouche, in shock as they were unaware that the couple was in a violent relationship. Lalmansingh shot Brereton dead before turning the gun on himself on Saturday night.

Police said around 9 pm, a man was at Princess Margaret Street, San Fernando when he heard several loud explosions. The man saw a little girl, around five-years-old, running towards him. The child told the man that her parents were dead, police said. He called the police and when they arrived on the scene, the officers found both left side doors of a silver BMW parked at Princess Margaret Street open and the bodies of a man and woman with gunshot wounds inside.

Brereton was slumped in the front passenger seat while Lalmansingh was in the driver’s seat. Police also recovered a revolver, believed to be the murder weapon, near the gear lever. Both Brereton and Lalmansingh worked at Iere Express Couriers Ltd and had been together for more than two years. They had no children together, but Brereton had two children—five-year-old girl and 11-year-old boy—from two previous relationships. Lalmansingh had an 18-year-old daughter from a previous relationship.

At her Seaview Drive, Marabella home yesterday, Brereton’s mother, Veronica Noel, said her daughter broke off the relationship before Christmas, but Lalmansingh would not leave her alone. Noel said she never knew that her daughter was in an abusive relationship until yesterday morning when one of Brereton’s friend told her that Lalmansingh used to beat and verbally abuse Brereton. “We had a close relationship. She should have told me something,” said Noel.

All she knew was that Lalmansingh was always asking her for money. She said Lalmansingh would still pick her daughter up for work and sometimes they worked late. She said on Saturday around 8.30 pm, Brereton left in Lalmansingh’s car, saying she was going to Fyzabad to come back. She took her daughter because she said she was not going to be long, Noel said. Not long after someone called Noel and gave her the bad news. When the police contacted her, she went to the Homicide Office where the police handed over her granddaughter to her.

“When I asked her for her mother she said ‘Mummy gone in the hospital.’” Noel said she was waiting until members of church arrive to speak to the child further about what happened. Describing Brereton as a nice person who was always smiling, Noel said her daughter worked hard to take care for her children.

Meanwhile, Lalmansingh’s relatives were at his Mitchell Street home yesterday trying to come to terms with what happened. Lalmansingh’s older sister, Kim Bhola, said he was not a violent person and not abusive to Brereton. “Anil loved that girl. He told my sister he love she. That is why everybody is like, ‘What happened? What went wrong?” “Anil was never a violent person, he was a cheerful person and was always there for his family.” When she heard the news, she said she was both hurt and shocked. “My mom cannot hold up right now.”

She last spoke with Lalmansingh about two weeks ago when their mother came to visit them from the United States. Asked if she knew why he killed himself and Brereton, she said: “We don’t know? We don’t have no idea if they had a dispute or a quarrel?” As far she was aware, Lalmansingh and Brereton was still in a relationship. She said Brereton lived by her brother for a while and sometimes he would say by her (Brereton). She sympathised with the Brereton’s family.

“As a mother my heart went out to them. It is so sad. I want to give sympathy to them. I don’t know what went wrong.” Autopsies are expected to be performed today at the Forensic Science Centre, Port-of-Spain. Cpl Charles of the Homicide Bureau of Investigations South is investigating.

Source:  http://www.guardian.co.tt/news/2015-03-09/child-witnesses-parents%E2%80%99-murdersuicide-abusive-husband-kills-wife-self

MURDER-SUICIDE HORROR

Girl, 5, sees mom killed

By Carolyn Kissoon

Story Updated: Mar 8, 2015 at 11:36 PM ECT

DEAD: Anil Lalmansingh

 

A five-year-old girl who was in the back seat of a car had to watch as a man shot her mother dead before turning the weapon on himself on Saturday night.

Little Kensiya Ragoonanan ran out of the vehicle into the arms of a stranger, who was standing on the roadway.

Benedict Gabriel, of Pleasantville, told police he was standing at Princess Margaret Street, San Fernando around 9 p.m. when he heard explosions.

Gabriel said he saw a little girl running towards him. She said her mother was dead.

San Fernando police responded to the report and found the child’s mother, Jessica Brereton, dead in the front passenger seat. A man was slumped in the driver’s seat of the silver BMW car with gunshot wounds to the head.

He was identified as Anil Lalmansingh, 41, of Mitchell Street, South Oropouche.

Brereton, 34, lived at Seaview Drive, Marabella.

Relatives said the couple, who worked together at Iere Express Couriers in San Fernando, had been in a relationship for almost three years.

But late last year, relatives said, Brereton, an administrative assistant, ended the relationship.

Her mother, Veronica Noel, said, “She left home around 8.30 p.m. to go to Fyzabad. She didn’t say why. I ask her about her daughter and she said the child was going with her. She and the man worked together and they were in a relationship. Just before Christmas she ended the relationship because things were not working out. I didn’t know the details. But the man went Miami and came back and they were talking again.”

Brereton was also the mother of 11-year-old Hezekiah Brandon.

Following the shooting, Noel was informed that her daughter was in an abusive relationship with the man. “She confided in a friend. She didn’t tell me. I heard that he locked her in a room at work and wanted to stab her. He would rough her up in the office and she couldn’t put up with it anymore. I can’t understand why she didn’t tell me, because we had a good relationship. I heard that the man convinced my daughter to keep secrets from me because he knew I would go to the police,” she said.

Noel said Brereton was the second of her four children. “I got a call from someone who knew the man and she told me my daughter was shot dead. I didn’t believe it until the police called. I went to the station but they didn’t hand over Kensiya. I had to send for my identification card and the police brought her home to us. I am now left to care for my grandchildren,” she said.

The police and church have offered counselling to the little girl.

At Lalmansingh’s home in South Oropouche relatives were shocked by the news that he had killed Brereton and himself.

His older sister, Kim Bhola, said Lalmansingh loved Brereton dearly and wanted to marry her.

She said after her brother divorced six years ago, he found love in his co-worker and the two shared a good relationship. Lalmansingh, a courier, was the father of an 18-year-old girl.

Bhola said Brereton lived with her brother, who never displayed violent behaviour.

“He was in Miami recently and was supposed to go again this month. I got the news from my mom in New York, someone called her last night. He loved the girl, everybody was in shock,” she said.
Bhola said she sympathised with Brereton’s family.

“As a mother, my heart goes out to that family. I know they must be hurting just like us. It is so sad. I don’t know what went wrong. I don’t know why this happened,” she said.

Lalmansingh’s car was seized by investigators, as homicide detectives continue investigations.
The murder toll now stands at 84, according to an Express tally. 

 

Source: http://www.trinidadexpress.com/news/MURDER-SUICIDE-HORROR-295562391.html

International Women’s Day highlights End the Right To Rape campaign

Marital rape is not a crime in more than 73 per cent of the world’s countries. Source: News Limited

HUSBANDS who rape their wives in 142 countries across the world, including European powerhouses Spain, Italy and Germany, will not automatically be charged with a crime. 
 
That’s the shocking finding of a UN report which details how a staggering 73 per cent of the world’s countries do not explicitly outlaw a husband raping his wife, affecting 2.6 billion women.

According to the 2011-2012 Progress of the World’s Womenreport no country in the Middle East has outlawed it, while even some western countries have failed to act.

While acknowledging the report is not new, the International Women’s Development Agency (IWDA) are using the staggering statistic to push its End the Right to Rape campaign as part of International Women’s Day.

IWDA spokeswoman Bettina Baldeschi told news.com.au the 73 per cent figure still stood, despite the fact that a couple of the countries had outlawed marital rape since the report was published.

 

The statistics which may shock you. Picture: International Women's Development Agency. Source: Supplied

“Regardless, we think it’s outrageous that any country in the world has failed to explicitly outlaw marital rape,” she said.

“When governments fail to do this, they contribute to the perception that rape within marriage is acceptable.

“That’s a disgrace, and that’s why we are demanding an end to impunity.”

The IWDA are asking Australians to sign the petition demanding action by telling the world that no man has the right to rape.

It will then take the petition to the UN Headquarters in New York for the global gathering of the Commission on the Status of Women in a bid to pressure all governments around the world to take action.

Ms Baldeschi said the statistic was one which still shocked her and Australia, while outlawing marital rape, was not immune to violence against women or challenges when it came to gender equality.

“One third of Australian women will have experienced violence in their lifetime,” she said.
She added the petition was just one part of the organisation’s goal to push women’s rights further and to mark what the movement had achieved.

The campaign has already garnered some movement on social media with people tweeting support under the hashtag ##EndTheRightToRape.

However, Ms Baldeschi warned there was still plenty of work to be done around the world and now was the time to take action on that.

Just this week, NSW announced it is taking action towards helping to stop domestic violence offences with the creation of the first of its kind register.

Premier Mike Baird and minister for women Pru Goward promised that, if re-elected, the state will become the first state in Australia to get a domestic violence register.

The premier said the register would help protect women against violent partners by giving women the “right to ask” authorities if they have concerns their partner has a violent history.

The end the right to rape campaign aims to pressure governments around the world to take action on violence against women. Source: News Corp Australia

 

Some of the countries where marital rape is not explicitly outlawed:

EUROPE:
Bulgaria, Estonia, Latvia, Lithuania, Poland, Russian Federation, Ukraine, Germany, Italy, Monaco, Netherlands, Norway, Spain.

ASIA:
Indonesia, Myanmar, Nauru, PNG, Samoa, Singapore, Japan

SOUTH ASIA:
Afghanistan, Bangladesh, India, Pakistan

LATIN AMERICA/CARIBBEAN:
Belize, Ecuador, Jamaica, Panama, Uruguay.

MIDDLE EAST:
None explicitly outlaw marital rape

AFRICA:
Botswana, CAR, Congo, Ethiopia, Ghana, Kenya, Nigeria.

* source: The United Nations 2011-2012 Progress of the World’s Women report

Source: http://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/real-life/international-womens-day-highlights-end-the-right-to-rape-campaign/story-fnq2o7dd-1227252605714

Homeless mom with 3 children seeks help

Tuesday, February 24 2015

A homeless mother of three children — ages six years to two months — from Belmont, is currently seeking help from the Government services and members of the public.

The mother, Ophelia Savary, was evicted from her home on Wednesday last, because she could not pay the rent and had to be rescued by a resident of the area, June Thomas.

Thomas told Newsday she took Savary and her children into her home, and gave them a room after they were left exposed to the elements.

While Savary, who was present yesterday during the interview at Newsday’s Port-of-Spain office did not speak on her own behalf, Thomas said that Savary has no job, and no means to provide for the children.

Savary could not work after the birth of her baby, Thomas said because the baby spent two months in the neo-natal unit of the Port-of-Spain General Hospital.

Apart from providing shelter, Thomas said she has to provide Savary and her children with meals, and pampers and other supplies for the baby. Asked about the children’s father, Thomas said he was not around.

The first child, a boy, goes to school, but the four-year-old, a girl was still to be registered to start schooling.

Thomas claims that based on conversations with the children, Savary, whose education did not go beyond the primary level, and who was not mentally sound, was a victim of domestic violence. Appealing for help on Savary’s behalf, Thomas said that she made calls to several entities to assist, but the response has been lukewarm.

Yesterday she took Savary and her children to the Ministry of the People and Social Development on St Vincent Street, and Thomas said they were told to return on Wednesday.

Source: http://www.newsday.co.tt/news/0,207369.html

ACT BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE

By CECILY ASSON Tuesday, February 24 2015

WEEKS after an attorney begged police to take seriously, the cries for help from battered women — after his client doused her cutlass-wielding ex-lover with gas and fatally burnt him — comes the cry of another victim of abuse, who fears her life is in danger especially since officers remain deaf to her pleas for help.

Avien Ramsumair yesterday told Newsday that a month after she was beaten and had a knife placed to her throat by a male villager and despite reports made to the Gasparillo Police, Ramsumair is still waiting on the police to act on her cries for help.

The 35-year-old cringed as she recalled the incident in which the man placed a knife to her throat before he struck her several times in the head with the dull side of the blade. Ramsumair said she managed to free herself from her attacker and ran off.

She immediately made a report to the police. To date, her attacker remains free and what is worse, she said, are his constant threats of violence and his boasts that the police can’t do him anything.

“I hope when they (the police) do decide to act, it is not too late. I need some protection from this man who continues to threaten me because he can’t have his way. He is boldfaced too as he goes around boasting police can’t do him anything,” said the mother of six.

Ramsumair, a supervisor of Esmeralda Road, Gasparillo said the violence against her was the end result of her refusing his many advances which she said began in November.

“He wants a relationship with me and I refused. He continues to harass me and I was forced to change three phone numbers already.”

Ramsumair said at 10.30 pm on January 23, while she was walking home from a birthday party in the village — which was also attended by the man — he trailed her and then pounced from behind.

“He grabbed me by the neck and put the knife to my throat. I began to struggle with him and at that time he took the knife blade and hit me in the head three times with it. I fell and when I got up to run he hit me again,” Ramsumair said.

The incident was witnessed by her son and another villager who were walking home with her at the time. Ramsumair said she suffered a “blackout” after she managed to escape and was taken to the San Fernando General Hospital where she was kept overnight.

“When I reported the matter to the police, they told me they don’t know how to charge the man because I went to a party and they were not sure if the blackout was as a result of my partying or from the licks,” Ramsumair said.

In her quest for justice, Ramsumair said she returned days after the attack to the police station to give a statement. Since then, she claimed, there has been no follow-up by police.

the frightened woman said she has been given the runaround by police on subsequent visits to enquire why nothing has been done about her attacker.

“The investigators keep changing and I am fed up now. I even went to the San Fernando Police Station and spoke to a senior officer who promised to look into it...but still nothing.”

A senior officer at the Gasparillo Police Station, asked by Newsday why nothing has been done about the man a month after the beating, would only say the matter was still under investigation.

Ramsumair’s cries for help mirror those of Hazel Ann Daniel, 47, a mother of nine who reported her ex-lover Churchill James, to police due to his constant physical and verbal abuse towards her, with no action taken by the police.

On January 30, Daniel reported to police that James had broken a court-imposed restraining order by showing up in the yard of her Brasso Piedra Road, Brasso home. The officers did nothing.

The day after, James returned to Daniel’s home this time armed with a cutlass. At the time, Daniel was liming with a male friend from Maraval. Fearing for her life, as James was about to make his way inside the house, Daniel doused him with gas and set him on fire. He died on February 1 while warded at hospital.

After being in custody for several days, Daniel was ordered released with no charge.

Her attorney Fareed Ali, speaking subsequently with Newsday, called on police officers to respond promptly to calls for help from victims of domestic abuse and violence.

“Even if the station which a person calls, does not have a vehicle, officers could use their wireless transmission to alert officers on mobile patrol or officers from another station.

“I hope for future purposes, we do not have a repeat of instances like this one,” Ali said in that interview.

Source:  http://www.newsday.co.tt/news/0,207359.html

11 Secrets to Ending Fights in Your Relationships

By: Renee Kirsten
 
Whether you like someone or not there are going to be times when you have disagreements with your friends, family, partners, spouse, co-workers, or neighbors. Here are some powerful tricks to make sure your relationships are healthy and balanced!
 
1. Bring Up Problems ASAP
Many people will try to walk on eggshells or avoid bringing up how they feel but this will actually cause a lot of extra stress and issues in your relationship.

When you don’t tell someone how their behavior made you feel it is actually a form of manipulation.  It is holding on to the power or energy instead of passing it back so that they can learn and grow.  If people don’t know how they are affecting you then they cannot fix it.

If you don’t catch it in the moment or it is not an appropriate time make sure you bring it up with them as soon as you can.  The quicker you address issues and resolve them the better everyone will feel.

Have a hard time catching problems in real time?  One trick is to trust your gut.  If someone says something that creates a strange feeling in your stomach that is a sign that something happened that affected you.

When I get that feeling I will make a point to stop the conversation and if they are a close friend or loved one they will typically help me figure it out.

Example- In a calm balanced tone I will say: “Just a min please, when you said that I felt funny.  I am not sure why but I would like to figure it out before we move on so I can understand what you mean.”

Remember that what you say and what people hear is always going to be different.  This is because our mood, focus and perceptions are always filtering information.  Tone and energy can also be a huge factor in how information is transferred between people.
When issues are brought up stay calm and try to see what really happened instead of getting defensive.  I will go more into this later.

2. Be the Real You

It is very common to act different with friends and loved ones than you do alone or in public.  Part of feeling whole and being true to ourselves it to try and make these versions us as consistent as possible.

Be the real you, do what you feel compelled to do.  Say what you are really feeling.  If you aren’t interested in what someone is saying either find a way to truly get interested or find a topic you are both interested it.

Pretending to listen and be interested isn’t being true to yourself and is harmful to the people around you.  Be honest, polite and genuine in your interactions.




3. Treat People the Way THEY want to be Treated

Thats right, because we are all different we cannot treat people the way we want to be treated.  We have to learn more about the people around us and treat them the way they want to be treated.

We can’t feed a room of people our favorite flavor of ice cream and expect them to be as happy and excited about it as we are.  We need to reach out and make sure the people around us know that we know them.  We prove that to them by really getting to know them!

There is a very powerful article written by a hero of mine that goes into this topic more.  Check it out here!



4. Look into their Eyes and Recognise that you are One

In the end we are all human, we all have flaws and we all have fear.  As long as all parties are still coming to the table we need to keep doing our best to work out our differences.


I remember once getting into a fight with my husband.  I was so mad at him I wasn’t sure if I was ever going to be ok with him again.  What flipped it around for me was when I looked deep into his eyes and saw that the reason why he had lied was because he was afraid of being alone.

I felt that same fear deep inside myself and realized that I did things that were sometimes crazy to avoid ending up alone too.  Though our crimes looked different we had the same core fear about loneliness.  How could I be mad at him without also being mad at myself.

Like they say “The things you hate most in the people around you are things you cannot stand about yourself.”  Even if the behavior is different on the outside often the mirror of life is showing us problems we have inside ourselves.

Sometimes we cannot do anything to change the past and the only thing we can do is earnestly move forward to make a better tomorrow.

That helped me forgive my husband and also work hard to make sure I treated him with love and respect.  In the end I saw myself in his eyes and I knew that what I needed for growth in my life was understand and love.  So I gave that to him freely and we both healed.

5. Listen
When people are speaking to us we need to listen.  We need to really hear what they are saying and try to see through their eyes about the situation.  We need to learn to put ourself on pause in order to really do this well.

Focus on the moment and take in as much data as you can.  If you have feelings of fear try to take a deep breath and feel what the other person is feeling.  Fear will cloud your ability to see what is really going on.

Listen and ask questions until you feel that you can see what the other person means.
When you are the one expressing yourself make sure when you are done that you “pass the energy back” by asking them to express what they are feeling about the topic.  Creating a healthy flow is key to a good healthy relationship.  Check out this video on the Grand MisConception to learn more about the flow of energy in a relationship!

6. Observe how the Person is Feeling rather than Always Asking

Sometimes it is fine to ask someone how they are feeling but sometimes people get scared and won’t say everything that is going on.  They don’t always do it on purpose.  Sometimes people get upset and they don’t remember what caused it.

That is why sometimes we need to be a bit of a detective to help them out.  Often the answers are all around us and we just need to use our senses to observe the environment to learn more.

Look around- Is the area messy?  Are there bad smells?  Did you forget to put away the laundry?  Clean up all of your vibrations and make sure that you pay attention to what could be straining the physical space.

Think back- Was there something said recently that would cause a misunderstanding?  Are there any important dates or big events that have happened or are coming soon?  Are you aware of any strained relationships or emotional patterns that could be causing problems?


If you see someone struggling to do something, it is often better to jump in and help rather than ask the person if they need help.  Such as opening a door or carrying in groceries.

Don’t Ignore people when they appear to need your help.  Sometimes we pretend to not notice because we aren’t feeling good, we are being lazy or are just plain busy.  Those are the times that we need to go out of our way to help the people around us.

If we don’t know what we should do we should ask them:

“Hey, I see that you are upset, I want to help but I am not sure exactly how.  I have thought of X, Y and Z but I wanted to check with you first to see if there is anything else that would really make a big difference.”

One of the most powerful things to recognise about the example above is that you took the time to recognise that the other person is hurting AND have already come up with a few ideas to help them out.  If they are hurting or upset don’t make them do all the work in coming up with a way to make it better.

The last biggest part of listening that is important is allowing people to fully feel the emotions they are feeling.  Especially in times of loss and grieving we have to resist the urge to change the subject, avoid talking about hard topics, or diffuse the situation.  It is ok to talk about the real issues.  It is healthy to explore fears about death and other culturally taboo topics.

7. Find out their Favorite Food/Treat

When vibrations are low and people aren’t happy sometimes a special treat or act of service is exactly what they need to reverse the downward spiral.  Pay attention to what people like to eat, drink or receive so that you can cheer them up.

This will show the person that you not only cared enough to know what they like but you noticed that they are feeling a little down.  You showed them that you care.

If you want to know more about this check out the book The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman to find out more about yourself and those you are close to.

8. Be Patient

Recognize that we are all human.  We all make mistakes.  If we want people to be patient with us when we mess up we must do the same for them.  No matter how smart or spiritual you are we all have bad days and make mistakes.  There is nothing wrong with this.

Part of being a loving being of light is allowing others to make mistakes and working with them on their personal growth.  Many of us are reprograming our minds to react in the best way possible in all situations.  There will be times when we are scared, tired or angry and we will make mistakes.

9. Breathe

When things get hard take a few deep breaths and see try to see the situation from the other person’s eyes.  Hearing that we messed up is almost always an uncomfortable feeling.  Often we immediately either deny that we did anything wrong or have a list of excuses as to why we acted that way.

We need to grow into responsible souls that take ownership of our own creations.  What that means is that if someone is offended or confused because of something we did then we need to take the appropriate steps to clarify, apologize and then fix the situation.

If we are unable to fix it then we need to be extra cautious in the future to avoid making the same mess.  That is how we will avoid loops of repeated problems in our relationships.

It is also our responsibility to create a safe space where people feel comfortable coming to us and expressing how they feel.

If people are taking the time and being brave enough to tell you what you did to hurt them then this is a message from the universe to look at ourselves and grow.  Thank the person for being brave enough to tell you how they felt about what you did.

10. Admit When you are Wrong
This takes a lot of guts but is also one of the biggest signs of a mature soul.  Tell people when you recognise that you created a situation or said something that caused them harm.

“I see that when I said that, it could have caused pain in you.  I am very sorry for doing that.  I am working on how I word things and making sure that I am respectful of you and your feelings.”  

You may also ask them for ideas that you can use in the future to handle that situation with them better.  People typically want to help you be nicer to them and will gladly give you ideas to improve how you interact with them.

11. Gratitude

Frequently tell the other person when you recognise them doing things for you or sacrificing for you.

“Hey, I saw that you missed your favorite TV show to make sure I came home to a clean house.  I really appreciate that.” 

“Thank you for telling me that, I know it can be scary to talk about feelings but I want you to know that I recognise the courage you just displayed.” 

“Thank you for listening to me while I figure this out.  What are your thoughts?”

“Thank you for suggesting we go to my favorite restaurant.  I really appreciate you caring about me and taking interest in what I like to eat. “

A little gratitude will go a long way with the people around you and encourage them to interact in a more healthy way with you aswell.  Leading by example is the best way to show others how you wish to be treated.

In life we all have things we can learn and become better at.  It takes practice and understanding.  Talk to the people you are close with and let them know that you are working on creating healthier relationships in your life.  Ask them to give you feedback and be patient as you learn to express how you really feel.




Source: http://thespiritscience.net/2014/09/26/11-secrets-to-ending-fights-in-your-relationships-2/

Cops release mom of 9

By Carolyn Kissoon

Story Created: Feb 8, 2015 at 10:35 PM ECT

Story Updated: Feb 8, 2015 at 10:35 PM ECT 

 

Mother of nine, Hazel Ann Daniel, a suspect in the murder of Churchill James, was released from police custody on Saturday.

Daniel, a 47-year-old victim of domestic abuse, returned to her children at their Doorbal Road, Brasso Piedra Road, Brasso home.

James, 53, died two Saturdays ago after Daniel threw gasoline on him and set him on fire.
Police said Daniel was at home with a male friend when James, armed with a cutlass, jumped her front gate and forced himself into the house.

She got hold of a brush-cutter and threw the gas from it on James, then used a lighter to set him on fire.

Police officers arrived shortly after and took James to Chaguanas District Health Facility, where he died while undergoing treatment.

After James died, police returned to the house and detained Daniel. A restraining order against James had ended their relationship after some 15 months.

Her attorney, Fareed Ali, said Assistant Director of Public Prosecutions Joan Honore-Paul deliberated over the facts for the greater part of some two days before coming to the decision to treat Daniel’s actions as self defence.

Daniel was placed in a holding cell at the Gasparillo police station for the past seven days, as she was subject of a police investigation.

Following her release, Daniel told her attorney she can finally breathe and “felt as free as a bird”.

Daniel, a labourer at the Couva/Tabaquite/Talparo Regional Corporation, had endured months of abuse but was prompted to take out a restraining order against James after he chopped up her dog last October, her attorney said. 

 

Source:  http://www.trinidadexpress.com/news/Cops-release-mom-of-9-291218821.html

Domestic Violence and the Professional Woman

Story Created: Feb 3, 2015 at 12:44 AM ECT

Story Updated: Feb 3, 2015 at 12:44 AM ECT

 

SYMBOL OF PERSEVERANCE: Marcia Henville. –Photo: STEPHEN DOOBAY

The murder of veteran journalist and television presenter Marcia Henville has left an entire nation but more specifically the population of professional women, advocates for women and activists for the at-risk and vulnerable, deeply disturbed by this tragedy. If in fact her death proves to be an act of domestic violence then what resonates with many members of the public is the apparent paradox of her life. How can women who are educated, respected and well-networked (a) end up in an abusive relationship (b) stay in an abusive relationship and (c) fall victim to such horrendous acts of violence?
 

The Rape Crisis Society and the Coalition Against Domestic Violence continuously strive to debunk the erroneous perceptions of who fits the profile of victim and perpetrator of the scourge of domestic violence. While the population at large is fed a diet of pamphlets, articles, documentaries, billboards and radio shows about domestic violence, there are some undeniable facts that are frequently swept under the proverbial carpet.
 

More often than not, it is the unwillingness of the public to accept that being a trained professional, being an advocate for the downtrodden, being a member of a respected, well-to-do family does not preclude persons from being victim or perpetrator, and this denial helps to reinforce the misinformation that victims are uneducated and poverty-stricken and perpetrators likewise.

In fact an example of this occurred during a series of radio programmes about sexual and domestic violence in which the Rape Crisis Society participated a few years ago. The discussion centred on the predicament that professional women face when they encounter domestic violence and the host appeared incredulous at this scenario. In his perplexed state, the discussion quickly morphed into debate, with the therapist trying to paint a picture which he just could not/would not entertain. The series came to a foreshortened, abrupt end.

The ugly truth is that all women are potential victims of domestic violence—be it physical, mental, financial or sexual. This is fact. While many perpetrators of domestic violence fit a particular profile of being possessive, unreasonable, distrusting with stalker-like behaviour and the tendency to isolate the victim, others simply do not, at first glance, exhibit these traits which makes it difficult for the untrained eye to see the warning signs and recognise the fatal danger to which victims become ensnared.

Both victims and perpetrators can be of any social class, any educational background and any ethnicity. Hence being a judge, lawyer, doctor or CEO does not exclude one from encountering difficult and abusive situations or perpetrating them.

Neither does it exclude one from the agony of having to make life-changing decisions for one and one’s children nor does it exclude one from the thoughts of potential shame and embarrassment about one’s reputation if the abuse were to be revealed. In fact, recent research has supported the very notion that has long gone underreported. Professional women who have better jobs and earn more than their spouses have an increased likelihood of being physically and mentally abused. Some explain that these emasculated spouses attempt to rebalance the shift in power by lowering her status in the relationship and reinstating traditional gender roles.

So you ask, ‘how can some women be bold, logical and well-connected in one sphere and in their private lives… be willing to tolerate abuse?” Victims of abuse often have factors which make them feel tied to the abuser. Quite often children, debt, love, co-dependency and the stability of routines keep a victim in the deadly limbo of staying versus leaving. In fact, some believe that staying is the only way of remaining alive, as the threat of death is real and even the most efficient justice system can offer little protection. This is often better understood by those who have either personally experienced such violence or those who have intimate knowledge of it. For others on the periphery, uninformed judgments are not only unhelpful but more so, dangerous to the already traumatised and abused woman.

So victims make choices. Some chose to report to the police and withstand the rigours of the justice system in addition to secondary victimisation by family and friends. Others chose to risk the shame and confide in others—a mother, a friend, a priest, a therapist. This may or may not help. An ultimatum by a seemingly helpful friend to leave him or help will no longer be offered only further isolates the victim. When friendships sour because of it, scornful lips might spew out ‘well…she like it so’ and ‘she look for it.” Counselling may begin a journey towards self-preservation, safety and healing. It can provide a safe space where venting and careful evaluation of options can occur. However, it is recommended that specialists in the field determine whether or not this can be accessed safely and if not, what are alternative options.

With regard to professional women who may be encountering abuse, we emphasise the need to seek intervention. If not in-person, then at least by phone, at first. Seek help secretly as far as is possible without increasing the risk of harm to oneself or loved ones.

For even the fearless deserve a space to cry, even the educated need to be reminded about the patterns of abuse, even the analytical need someone to render a different perspective, even the well-networked need a confidential, listening ear. At the end of the day, victims, like the rest of us, just want to keep a family together, develop a career and survive the challenges that life brings.

As women working together for a common cause, we cover our heads and mourn the loss of a champion. Marcia’s death must never be considered a defeat, but rather her life must be remembered as a symbol of the very spirit that it takes to persevere. Whatever her personal battles, she served a nation. She dared to cross borders, she brought comfort to suffering people and spoke out fearlessly. May God rest her soul and may justice prevail.

The Rape Crisis Society of Trinidad and Tobago and the Coalition Against Domestic Violence can be contacted for help at any time. Phone 627-7273, e-mail rapecrisistnt@yahoo.com. 

 

Source: http://www.trinidadexpress.com/featured-news/Domestic-violence-and--the-professional-woman-290612951.html

Practicing Healthy Relationships

By Kendra Gritsch
January 13, 2015

We talk a lot about healthy relationships, we memorize the do’s and the don’ts, we vow to do it right. But even when we know what we are supposed to do, when it comes to real-life circumstances with real people it can get complicated and messy.

For many years, whenever I would visit my family it was inevitable that my father and I would get into a massive disagreement, mostly over politics. I’d take the liberal side, he’d take the conservative side, we’d dig in our heels and try to convince the other person that they had it all wrong. Obviously, this didn’t work out well; usually it would end with me leaving the room in tears. It reached a point where I just wanted to shut down and not engage at all. I give my father a lot of credit, he realized I was checking out and decided that things had to change. He didn’t want our differences to get in the way of our relationship. And I wanted to share who I was as a whole person with my own thoughts and opinions. So we made some ground rules. We agreed to listen to each other, to respectfully disagree, to find common ground. We put love and respect for each other first.

I’m the first to say that our system isn’t perfect, we’ve had to revise and revisit. But we always go back to the ground rules and remind ourselves that a good relationship is our top priority. Because of our efforts my relationship with my father is better and—to the shock of my entire family—we can have tough conversations and still be smiling after.

I believe this strategy is applicable across situations; I’ve applied it to my relationship with my partner. I’ve made a commitment to resolving conflict, creating a system that works for both parties, and making sure each person is being heard and respected, despite differences. It isn’t simple or easy, but it’s doable.

Source: http://canyourelate.org/2015/01/13/practicing-healthy-relationships/