HUMAN FIREBALL

HUMAN FIREBALL

By ALEXANDER BRUZUAL Monday, December 30 2013

OVERCOME with rage, following a heated argument in which she accused her common-law husband of infidelity, a Diego Martin woman yesterday transformed herself into a human fireball by setting fire to her kerosene-soaked clothes outside their Richplain Road home.

Both Hema Himdai Bassant, 33, a mother of four and her common-law husband Shawn Collymore, 43, were rushed to the Port-of-Spain General Hospital where Collymore was treated for burn injuries to both hands and later discharged while Bassant succumbed to extensive burn injuries at about 3.30 am.

Police sources said the information they received was at about 12.30 am, Bassant and Collymore were engaged in a heated argument in which the woman accused her common-law husband of infidelity, a charge he vehemently denied.

The enraged woman ran out of the house and doused herself with kerosene. She then grabbed some matches and lit herself afire. Flames engulfed her from head to toe. The mother of four then fell down the incline on which her house was built — some 20 feet — before rolling onto the walkway to the home.

Seeing the bright flames of the fire, Collymore ran out of the house and desperately attempted to save his wife’s life, by breaking a water pipeline that led to their house and throwing the gushing water on her body as she rolled on the ground, flames still covering her. He then threw some gravel and sand on Bassant.

Neighbours who heard the commotion, contacted the police as well as the emergency health services. Both Bassant and Collymore were rushed to the Port-of-Spain General Hospital where they were treated.

Collymore received severe burns to both forearms with his left arm being the most injured. His wife was not as fortunate and she succumbed to her injuries while receiving treatment. Doctors told police she had been burnt over her entire body.

A report was made to the police and a party of senior Western Division officers including Senior Superintendent Ishmael David and Sgt Roger Thomas visited the scene and interviewed several persons.

Shortly after being discharged from hospital Collymore returned home and began packing his belongings. When Newsday arrived, both Collymore and his mother Jessica Collymore were moving bags and other personal belongings out of the house and onto a van.

His children are staying at the home of a nearby relative. Surrounded by reporters and news cameramen, Collymore at first refused to speak on the incident in which his wife died, saying only that he was “shocked”.

Asked by several reporters if he had anything to say about persons in the community where he lived, who were saying that Bassant’s death was his fault, following their argument, Collymore looked at reporters and said: “Well it seems everything is always my fault”, before walking away. His mother Jessica later told Newsday that her daughter-in-law was a kind and caring person.

However, while saying she could not understand why Bassant would want to go to such extremes as taking her own life, Jessica noted the young mother was having relationship problems with her son and had often turned to her for advice.

“They were having problems for a while. She even went to stay with a sister for a bit because they were having some serious problems. They were always fighting over issues, some petty, but others serious.

“From time to time she would call me asking for help, asking me to reach out to Shawn. I tried my best. So when he would go out and not tell anybody anything and then come home at all kind of late hours, Hema would be up waiting and they would get into a quarrel when he came home. So it’s on both their shoulders. And as sad as this situation is, what is hurting me the most, is that she would decide to go and do this while the children were at home. The youngest is two and the oldest is only 12. I don’t know if they would have seen their mother on fire or heard the commotion, though I can assume both. The four children now have no mother,” Jessica said.

Bassant’s body is expected to be taken to the Forensic Science Centre in St James where an autopsy will be performed today. Investigations are continuing.

Source: http://www.newsday.co.tt/news/0,188483.html

DEADLY SUNDAY

Abused woman sets herself ablaze

By Rickie Ramdass rickie.ramdass@trinidadexpress.com

Story Created: Dec 29, 2013 at 10:23 PM ECT

Story Updated: Dec 29, 2013 at 10:23 PM ECT 

 

FIERY DEATH: The faces of Hema Bassant, who committed

suicide yesterday by setting herself ablaze, and her husband

Sean Collymore are depicted on this teacup.

YEARS of abuse at the hands of a relative is believed to be the reason a Diego Martin woman ended her life yesterday morning after she doused herself with kerosene and then lit herself ablaze.

After setting herself on fire on a hill in the yard of her Richplain Road home around 3 a.m., Hema Bassant, 33, fell several metres on to a staircase below, where she eventually burnt to death, police reported.

The woman’s husband, Sean Collymore, 43, who was at home at the time, tried unsuccessfully to save his wife’s life by breaking a water line in the yard and spraying her down in an attempt to put out the blaze.

The water, however, did not assist his cause, as it made the fire grow even more, investigators said.
Collymore, they said, suffered burns to both his arms and was taken to Port of Spain General Hospital, where he was treated and later discharged.

When the Express visited the scene of the incident yesterday, officials from the Diego Martin Regional Corporation, where Collymore was employed, were seen removing appliances and electronic items from inside the house to another location

.
The woman’s mother-in-law, Jessica Collymore, said only on Saturday she spoke with Bassant and asked her to accompany her to church yesterday.

“But she told me she wasn’t ready yet and I asked her, ‘How you not ready yet?’ She said, ‘I just not ready,’” said Jessica.

She said the woman’s four children, who were at home at the time, witnessed their mother’s fiery death.

They are now staying with other relatives in the Diego Martin area, said Jessica.

She stated that on several occasions she had advised Bassant to report the alleged abuse to police, and this was done. Bassant and the relative had also sought counselling, but the abuse did not stop, she said.

She described her daughter-in-law as a cool person, who was always seeking her advice.

“Hema was cool, always want advice. She used to come to me for advice because I’m older than her, so she would come to me for advice. Since Christmas she was to come by me and stay, but I told her I don’t want them (the relative) coming down by me and getting on, because when you see there is abuse in the family and you go by other family, it gets worse... I won’t say that this is surprising, but I really did not expect it to get this far,” said Jessica.

An autopsy is expected to be conducted on Bassant’s body today at the Forensic Science Centre, Federation Park, St James. 

Source: http://www.trinidadexpress.com/news/DEADLY--SUNDAY-237912081.html

‘Love affair’ sparked cop’s suicide

By Susan Mohammed susan.mohammed@trinidadexpress.com

Story Created: Dec 27, 2013 at 11:41 PM ECT

Story Updated: Dec 27, 2013 at 11:41 PM ECT 

 

A LOVE affair is believed to have sparked the suicide of police constable Lutchmansingh Pooran, after he tried to kill his niece-in-law.

Investigating police officers said yesterday they received written statements confirming the affair from several relatives of Pooran, and from shooting victim Andrea Angel Persad. 

A detective told the Express that on Boxing Day, Pooran contacted Persad by phone and threatened to kill her and himself. 

Shortly after midday, Pooran drove to Persad’s grandmother’s home at Spring Trace, Siparia, and attempted to carry out his threats. 

He shot her after she refused to enter his car, and as she ran into her relative’s home for re­fuge, he shot himself in the head. 

Pooran, 29, was attached to the Criminal Gang and Intelligence Unit based in Port of Spain. He joined the service some ten years ago. 

He lived at Ramsubhag Trace, Barrackpore, and was married with a two-year-old child. 

At his home yesterday, family members declined to speak about the incident, or to provide a photograph of Pooran.

A relative said to show Pooran’s face would put other members of the Criminal Gang and Intelligence Unit in jeopardy.

Persad was kept at San Fernando General Hospital for a gunshot wound, as a bullet had grazed her chest and exited her arm. 

She was expected to be discharged from hospital yesterday. 

An autopsy was conducted on Pooran’s body yesterday at the Forensic Science Centre, St James, where the man’s relatives avoided the media when approached for comment. 

The autopsy concluded Pooran’s death was consistent with a gunshot wound.

Source: http://www.trinidadexpress.com/news/Love-affair-sparked-cops-suicide-237723531.html

How to Change a Struggling Relationship Into a Healthy Relationship

By Nathan Feiles, LCSW
 

This is the “part 2″ to the article “10 Signs You May Be in an Unhealthy Relationship“.
It was brought to my attention that in the first article I made points of the things to keep an eye on, however I made few suggestions of how to handle those ten points. So this article is to address how to handle the ten signs of an unhealthy relationship that were listed in the previous article.


1) Hitting. Any form of violence in a relationship is tricky, because one tends to hold hope that this will improve, which feeds into the abuse cycle. When any form of violence is present, if both partners was to continue with the relationship, it’s important to seek outside help. It will also become important that each partner is in their own therapy to address the deeper issues leading to (and being the receiver of) violent behavior. Violence doesn’t tend to disappear on its own, so the sooner it’s addressed, the better.

In the meantime, as an alternative to striking your partner, when you find yourself getting angry to the point of loss of control, hit a pillow or punching back, or swing a pillow into a bed until you feel better. This technique doesn’t undo violence, however it’s a less harmful outlet for the aggression.

If you tend to be on the receiving end of the violence, and you notice your partner getting to a breaking point, agree to take a break from the conversation and return to it after you both cool down. If your partner persists and you feel threatened, leave and go somewhere you are safe.

2) Name-calling. This is a form of verbal abuse. Couples therapy is a good idea here too because healthier forms of communication and release of frustration need to be learned.

As a temporary solution, when you feel yourself about to name-call, immediately stop talking. This may sound strange, but think of a stop sign in your head the moment before you name call, and just stop, even if in mid-sentence. Keep in mind also that name calling is a verbal form of hitting. So using the pillow technique from above to release some aggression may also help.

3) Lack of Support. While many factors can get in the way of being a supportive partner, it’s likely that one of the reasons you entered the relationship is because both were supportive of each other at one point. If you’re having a hard time being supportive to your partner, start by looking for three things each day that make you feel positively about your partner. When feeling an overall positive regard for your partner, it’s easier to be generally supportive. If you’ve been feeling unsupported by your partner, talk to your partner about your needs and the kind of support you would like. Don’t fall into the mind-reading trap.

4) Forced to answer to your partner. Similar to #1 and #2 above, couples therapy will become instrumental in moving away from this kind of dynamic, due to the ingrained nature of this type of behavior. In the meantime, it’s possible to address ways to compromise with your partner to increase your freedom. While the hope is to not be in a controlling dynamic with your partner, at first it will be necessary to help your partner loosen their grip. This may mean negotiating so you have their consent for some things (which will be less threatening to your partner than a full rebellion, and cause less negative reaction). However, in order to restructure the power dynamic of the relationship, both individual and couples therapy will be important here.

5) Feeling angry or resentful of your partner. The big question here is, what’s going on that’s causing this? Partners can go for years being resentful of each other and not even know why. At times it’s caused by one thing, or can be a collection of disappointments causing the resentment.  Beyond couples therapy, journaling can help you reflect, if you’re the one feeling this way. When you become aware of the issues causing the resentment, communicate with your partner about the areas that you want to improve. Be respectful, not accusatory. The goal here is a stronger loving connection as a team, not to battle against each other to meet one’s needs (which rarely works anyway). Also, when you notice yourself feeling resentful of your partner, trying thinking of five things every day that you love about your partner, including not just qualities of your partner, but qualities of your relationship together, as well.

6) Pressure to abandon children of previous relationships. This is another form of control and psychological abuse. The controller in this situation fears being abandoned and doesn’t feel secure if the partner has any relationships that threatens to remove attention from the controlling partner. Handling this means setting clear boundaries. Honesty is important — laying out what the relationship with your kids will be like, and how the new partner fits into the picture. When someone is controlling, the more information they have that can help them understand the picture, the more secure they will feel. If you are the controller in this scenario, ask your partner for this information so you know where you stand.

7) Ultimatums and threats. These are the quickest ways to a breakup. If you’re feeling at the point of making ultimatums and threats, it’s time to sit down with your partner and communicate where you are. For example, “I’ve been waiting for a long time to see you work a little less in order to spend more time at home, and you haven’t. We need to talk about what’s next.” Communicate about the issue directly, rather than taking the issue hostage. This can lead to a genuine dialogue rather than something that’s only going to end badly.

8) Dictating Discussions. At times we need to take a break from a discussion, but this needs to be done with respect for your partner. Let them know when the conversation will resume. And vice versa, if you want to have the conversation now and your partner doesn’t, ask your partner when the conversation will resume. Avoid dictating a final end to discussions when it’s clearly not resolved for both of you. The issues will only linger if they’re not addressed. So a break is healthy, but commit to returning to the discussion.

9) Cheating. The best way to handle cheating is to stop before you do it — whether it’s removing yourself from the temptation, or just keeping in control of yourself. However, the issues that lead to cheating may still be there, and these must be addressed. If one or both partners does cheat, the underlying issues will still need to be addressed, and in addition, trust will need to be rebuilt, and hurt feelings will need to be repaired. Couples therapy is the best recommendation for any of these situations. If issues are present in the relationship, there’s only so long that merely resisting temptation will work.

10) Embarrassment of your partner. Create a mental list of people that you feel close enough to vent to about your relationship. Stick to this list. Once you start venting to people outside of this inner circle, things get messy. If you notice yourself keeping your partner away from people, learn about these issues in your own therapy, and if needed, couples therapy. It’s important to know what’s creating the separation between you and your partner, and then it can be addressed.

The overall themes in this list: communication and couples therapy. Not surprisingly, these go hand-in-hand. Things become messy in relationships when there is a power structure (where one tries to assert control and authority), and when the communication stops. If you want to turn your relationship into a healthy one, issues need to be opened and faced head-on, together.

Source: http://blogs.psychcentral.com/relationships-balance/2013/12/08/how-to-change-a-struggling-relationship-into-a-healthy-relationship/

10 Signs You May Be in an Unhealthy Relationship

By Nathan Feiles, LCSW


Technically, a relationship needs to only be defined by the people who are in the relationship. What is a “good (or healthy) relationship” for two people may be completely different than a “good (or healthy) relationship” for two other people.

However, there is a difference between a relationship having its own shape and character, and a relationship that is either harmful or generally unhealthy for one or both partners. These relationships can be difficult to spot from the inside because one or both partners grow accustomed to the life of the relationship. Denial can also be a factor due to fears of change, failure, or otherwise. So while it may seem like it should be obvious when you’re in an unhealthy relationship, it isn’t always so simple.

Here are some signs of concern within relationships. Note, the presence of one or more of the following signs doesn’t necessarily mean you should end your relationship. These are things to keep an eye on, and if they persist, may need further attention in order to improve the state of your relationship.


1) Hitting. Relationships are going to have their share of arguments and disagreements. This is normal. However, when one or both partners crosses the line into hitting, even if it’s just one punch and not an all-out brawl, this is a concern. One punch is still abuse, no matter the gender of the aggressor.

2) Name-calling. Arguments are rarely pleasant (though at times relationships tend to feed off of them, for better or worse). Name-calling, however, crosses the boundary from a heated disagreement into hostile disrespect and disregard for your partner. Name-calling is verbal abuse, is contemptuous, disrespectful, and only tears your partner down. It doesn’t have a productive quality to it for the relationship.

3) Lack of support. While it’s not possible for each partner to always be supportive in the desired moments, it becomes problematic when goals, achievements, desires, and other forms of personal life fulfillment are constantly met with resistance and negativity by your partner. While a partner can’t always be expected to be supportive of everything, a healthy relationship generally has a sense of overall support between the partners. Without this, resentment and frustration eats away at the relationship.

4) Forced to answer to your partner. There’s a difference between coordinating with your partner out of common respect for each other, whether it’s for scheduling social or work events, coordinating child care, or otherwise, and having to actually receive permission from your partner to see friends, spend money, etc. This is a form of being controlled, and often appears in the form of one partner controlling the other’s spending, who the partner associates with, and keeping tabs on everything the partner does. This is also a form of psychological abuse.

5) Feeling angry or resentful of your partner. It’s one thing to be angry or annoyed with your partner, at times. This is normal in relationships. However, if there’s a general sense of resentment and anger towards your partner that overarches your relationship, this isn’t healthy. Something is going on that needs to be addressed before it erodes the relationship.

6) Pressure to abandon children of previous relationships (often in second marriages). Second marriages, especially when children from previous marriages are involved, can add dimensions to relationship conflicts and boundary violations. These can range from forcing a partner to choose between them and the partner’s kids from a previous relationship (seeking relationship priority), and actually forcing a partner to change wills, assets, and other end of life plans into their inheritance priority and control. There’s usually an indication of abandonment if the partner doesn’t comply. While some people give in to this, whether out of fear of abandonment, or otherwise, this is a form of insecurity, entitlement, manipulation, and control that is a sign of an unhealthy relationship.

7) Ultimatums and threats. Healthy relationships tend to have healthy forms of communication. Ultimatums and threats signal frustration and resentment — an attempt to dominate and control the partner. There is more going on in the relationship that needs to be addressed if ultimatums and threats are being made.

8) Dictating discussions. Whether it’s through stonewalling or directly dictating when discussions end or begin, this is another form of control. This represents not only control, but a breakdown in communication. Dictating endings leaves one partner destroyed and impotent, and sets up a superior/inferior dynamic. While this dynamic can technically work for some relationships, it’s not a sign of a healthy relationship, as it sets up a destructive dynamic where one rules the other (forcing conversations on your partner before they’re ready to have them is also a problematic relationship behavior). The idea is to re-visit the conversation when both are ready. But if one hopes to end the conversation without revisiting the issues, the problems will remain present in the relationship.

9) Cheating. While this may seem obvious to some, people who experience an unfaithful relationship don’t always see cheating as a relationship issue as much as a sign of personal shortcoming or failure — that their partner had to make up for their shortcomings by going outside the relationship. This kind of rationale often covers the fear of losing the relationship. It is taken on as a personal issue, rather than an interpersonal relationship issue (or even as the cheating partner’s issue). While relationships can recover from cheating, cheating is a sign of something unhealthy within the relationship dynamic. The cheating partner may carry significant responsibility of the act, however if the relationship was functioning at a healthy level, cheating likely wouldn’t come into the picture.

10) Embarrassment of your partner. This shows up in various ways, but may come in the form of resisting having friends or family meet your partner, intentionally avoiding  mentioning your partner in conversations, or speaking negatively about your partner to people who aren’t close with you (as opposed to venting relationship frustrations to a close friend, which is a normal way to cope with stress). These are indications of desire to keep your partner away, rather than joined with you.

There are other issues that aren’t listed here, but the main themes that signal an unhealthy relationship are forms of abuse, control, and blatant disrespect and disregard of the partner (it can be from one partner to the other, or back-and-forth between both partners). It’s important to keep in mind that relationships can become healthy again, often with the help of couples therapy. An unhealthy relationship doesn’t automatically mean it’s time to break up. However, if the issues continue, or there is an unwillingness from your partner to work together on these relationship issues, then a decision will eventually need to be made.

Source: http://blogs.psychcentral.com/relationships-balance/2013/12/02/10-signs-you-may-be-in-an-unhealthy-relationship/

How to Save Yourself from Toxic People

Edited by Iqbal Osman, Teresa, Mike Massaroli, Fianchetto and 16 others

You're in the best of moods and the day feels just great. Suddenly you feel sapped of energy and your spirits have been dampened. The source of the deflation? You've just encountered someone who has a bad attitude and it has cast a pall over your own mood. While it's a personal choice to seek to deflect the negative moods of others, it's not always that easy – emotions are contagious and we're programmed to empathize with others around us and to tune into their emotions.

The negative moods and thinking of a toxic person are pervasive – nervous energy, anger, sadness, complaints, clinginess, a view of the world constantly tinged with negativity. And if you happen to be caught up with toxic people daily in your life, by letting their negativity get to you, it can erode your own sense of self and deflate even the most optimistic outlook. Constantly negative emotions can lead to illness and a shortened lifespan – toxic personalities are not healthy for themselves or for you. And since misery loves company, miserable people will try to drag you into their fold; however, take charge of defending yourself and learn how to break free from toxic attitudes around you, to sustain your healthy, fulfilling, and optimistic outlook.

1. 
   1
   Discover your current attitudes towards life in general. There is no point in striving to be progressive and successful, when you yourself possess the negative energy that holds you back. Take stock of your actions and words. If your own behaviors head in the direction of self-pity and pessimism (a self-perceived victim status), it's time to re-track and start over by making a choice to adopt more optimistic beliefs and attitudes. Life will give you what you expect, so that your expectations need to be balanced with realistic measures and a more positive framework. This starts with you as a person before looking to blame others for your failures and miseries.
2. 
   2
   Learn to pick up on the energy (or vibes) around you. Besides knowing yourself well, you need to know how you feel when toxic people are around you. You probably already know how to do this but learn to make it a conscious act, not just an unconscious reaction. For example, think about how you feel when you walk into a business where everyone is friendly and cannot do enough to engage you in casual conversation. Then, think about walking into a business where the mood is sour, the assistants are barely able to mumble a hello to you and appear to have other things to do than to engage with you, their faces filled with resentment and a desire to be anywhere than where they are. The energy in both cases is enormously different and you pick up on it immediately. It is the same with individuals; you will grow to consciously notice when you feel immediately uplifted or plunged downward by the people in your presence and you can take steps to make choices about how to react once you recognize these feelings.
3. 
   3
   Recognize the toxic personality types. We all have our down days, and each of us is prone to the blues now and then. However, when it comes to toxic people, the blues appear to be a permanent state of being and feeling down, glum, angry, etc., becomes a primary personality trait rather than a temporary state of mind. The following toxic personality types are ones to be on the watch for:
   • Angry at life: A person who is always angry, blowing up, shouting, and reacting to everyone in a volatile manner is a toxic person. They need a lot of help but you don't need to be their battering board. Staying around a person like this will cause you to become angry too, to see slights where there are none, to react instead of reflecting, and to fear things.
     
   • Everything in the world is rotten: A person with this worldview is always down and always finds the dark side in everything. And they love miserable company; the more dark thinkers agreeing with their conspiracies and frightening theories, the better. Oddly enough, this person will often be competitive about their misery, trying to outdo any other person's misery. Prone to seeing other people's mistakes as enormous transgressions (and therefore cannot forgive) and to fearing that people are going to let them down/let them go at any moment, they live in constant state of fate-determining negativity and lack hope. Since they don't feel capable of changing their trajectory, they'll try to drag you in with them.
     
   • Attention seekers: Insecure, unable to create their own sense of self-worth, and emotionally immature, this person is a "clinger". They want your attention, they want it when they want it (now!) and they need to be at the center of everything. This person's constant need to be heard and rescued will wear you down eventually and their inability to settle down and take a good, long hard look at themselves means that they try to suck the energy and life from elsewhere, namely from you.
     
   • Gossips: "When all else in your own life fails, spill the beans on other people's misfortunes" is the motto of this difficult character. Instead of keeping confidences and being supportive, this person allows envious feelings to get the better of them instead of rechannelling their envious feelings. Unfortunately, gossip feels exciting to those receiving it initially, but it's like a sugar high- it soon crashes and the nasty after-effects harm everyone. If you have found yourself caught up with a gossip and you've enabled them or benefited from them, don't get hung up on worrying about your complicity; forgive yourself, make a choice to only speak well of others from this point on, and remove yourself form their sphere.
     
   • Fearful frighteners: Worry, anxiety, "what ifs", and fear push this personality. Everything in life, from relationships to crossing the road, holds some potential for fear and terror, and this person's anxiety is unfortunately very contagious.
     
4. 
   4
   Take a look at the company you keep (or attract). Looking at the list in the previous step, analyze friendships, family relationships, working colleagues and decide objectively just how healthy these people are in terms of your overall well-being and composure. Do they bring out the best in you or do you serve as a sponge for all their problems and miseries? If the latter is the case, for your own sanity and well-being, let them go. This might be really hard initially because of the expectations and sense of obligation that builds up in relationships but staying with people who lead you into constant misery isn't going to be rewarded, so don't subject yourself to it. Disengage yourself from their company politely by minimizing contact until a healthy distance can be maintained. You need this time to ponder and reflect on saving and preserving yourself, drawing on the optimism, hope and positive energy you have within.
   • There is a primal instinct in each of us to mirror others we're with. It's a survival and a social technique. And if that mirror is murky, negative, and lacking in self-esteem, it's a mirror you need to throw a drape over for the sake of self-protection and moving forward. Remember that you can't change another person, only yourself, so don't bog yourself down with excuses about being responsible for them or feeling pity for them. You can only truly help a negative person when you're no longer influenced by them.
5. 
   5
   Listen selectively when engaging in any conversation. Seek to hold onto the positive and constructive aspects of any conversation. Train your mind to consciously throw out the bad essence of the conversation. It becomes a matter of choosing what it is you wish to dwell on; allow the good side to hold stronger for you and to serve as the thoughts you focus and ponder on. When negative Ned starts getting really trying, return positive energy through positive words or suggestions that are supportive. Doing this creates a space between you; while the other person may be internally struggling to refute to your positive insistence, it is clear to them that you aren't going to be won over to the dark side!
   • Create a personal signal to remind yourself to keep deflecting the negative conversation and signals beamed at you from a toxic personality. It might be pulling a piece of your hair, digging your thumbnail into your palm, flicking your wrist, tapping your knee, etc. This minor action is a protective mechanism to remind you to consciously note that negativity is being sent your way and to make a conscious effort to refuse it entry into or lodgings in your own thoughts.
   • When dealing with blamers, shift the perspective. While the toxic personality wants another person to take the blame for a situation, stay calm and keep insisting that the problem be solved instead of discussing whose fault it is. Seeking to blame someone keeps things static, and stuck in time, and a solution won't be found because it has been lost from sight and the blamer doesn't want to take responsibility for improving their own situation anyway. Stick to the facts and point out what needs to be done to fix a problem. If they become hot-headed or violent, remove yourself from them and allow them the space to calm down.
   • Use empathy and compassion with those who seek to spread fear. Limit your exposure to their fear talk by turning their negative talk back on itself. For example, if they insist that your business venture is going to fail, ask them "Well, what if it doesn't?". Help them to see the possibilities rather than endless negatives. And when they really get to you, see their fear as a form of being upset and tell yourself over and over again that this is their reaction, not yours, and that you have the choice to remain grounded and true to your goals.
   • Always remind yourself that negative emotions have a time limit; they do not last, they will soon pass. You do not need to carry the ball of negativity with you beyond the encounter.
6. 
   6
   Develop a beautiful mind. This can be achieved by accepting the reality of things that cannot be changed. Let bygones be where they belong – in the historical archives of repressed memory. If these emotions become too difficult to attain closure, seek help to close this chapter fully and finally. In this way, you won't allow the negative thoughts to fester and control your present and future self; understanding and learning to accept what has been as a lesson in growth rather than a crystallization of who you in time for all time is the way to break free from negativity. Acceptance forms a great part of this beautiful mind, bringing closure and leaving the mind and body free to achieve a more fruitful and higher quality lifestyle.
   • Take up practices that help to ground you. Some things that might help you include meditation, yoga, reflection in nature, martial arts, endurance sports, a hobby that fulfills a passion, etc. Find something that calms and centers you and to which you can retreat when you need to re-energize yourself.
7. 
   7
   Know what your needs and desires are. Take time to decipher what is important to you. Know what your likes and dislikes are and develop some idea of where you would like to see yourself in the future. Write down your plans on paper. Paste it on a wall where you can constantly remind yourself and stay focused. This will also help you when times get tough and you feel the gripping desire to fall back into older negative habits. More importantly, knowing what you want in life acts as a shield to prevent you from taking on board other people's expectations for you and treating those as your own instead. By all means remain open to hearing what others have to say but don't be swayed by what doesn't fit with your needs and desires, or by what stops you from being true to yourself.
8. 
   8
   Stick to your own beliefs and be comfortable with yourself. The doubts, regrets, and misgivings that others feel should be of no consequence to you and the paths you follow in life. It is commonplace to hear such comments as "My parents wanted me to do X, so I did", or "My spouse wanted to go to X city, so we did" and then to see the speaker behave as if their life were determined by someone else's choices. Or, there is the perennial "If only I had done things differently, I'd be famous/rich/important by now, but X held me back." None of these thoughts about the past are helpful to the person you are now: Don't allow other people or their preferences to serve as your excuse for a lack of an internal moral compass and set of beliefs. Your faith and confidence in your own beliefs will get you to where you want to be. Once again, listen if you have to, but do it selectively. Keeping away from people who confuse you is the next very best choice to make – make excuses to stay away.
   • At times, you will need to make compromises with the people close to you or who impact your professional life; but, do so knowingly and confidently, and not because you feel bludgeoned into making choices by a toxic personality.
9. 
   9
   Find like minded people. As we all know, no person is an island – we humans are social creatures. As time progresses, your entire being will become accustomed to happy and wholesome interactions. What you will discover when you focus on sustaining an optimistic mindset and refusing to dwell on the negativity is that you will attract people with a similar mindset to you. Mingle with company that helps you to develop a healthy body and mind – be with optimistic, upbeat, and happy people. The more time spent with people of this nature, the happier and brighter you will feel. Their nourishing, healthy, and positive attitudes are contagious in a good way and will help you to stay on an even keel. Equally, once you reach the point whereby anything or anyone who disrupts your sense of balance and inner peace starts to irritate you, you know how to politely deflect them, and this confirms that you're well on your way to a greater and more contented life.
   • Pass it on. Use the inspirational example of the more positive people in your life to guide yourself away from the toxic thought dwellers. In turn, become more like the optimistic people by seeing the best in others and complimenting the good you see in people. Be the source of a "healthy chain of emotions" by remaining upbeat when interacting with others; accept and give compliments with thankfulness, maintain eye contact with them, and smile.
10. 
    10
    Strive to become one with yourself, the environment and your needs. This may be difficult at the onset but given time, the routine of seeing everything as a wonder and finding the good and positive in everyday interactions will eventually fall into place. A calm and collected mind is ingenious and complements productive and sensible thinking. 

Source: http://www.wikihow.com/Save-Yourself-from-Toxic-People

Violence against Women Exacts High Economic Price, World Bank Says

PRESS RELEASE

Violence against Women Exacts High Economic Price, World Bank Says

November 25, 2013

New research should mobilize greater investment to tackle epidemic

WASHINGTON, November 25, 2013 - Violence against women in the home comes at a high economic as well as human cost, new research from the World Bank Group (WBG) finds.

“Domestic violence isn’t just an egregious human rights abuse. It’s also an economic drain. This research should help to mobilize far greater investment in addressing and tackling domestic violence,” WBG Gender and Development Director Jeni Klugman said in a statement to mark the International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women.

“The need for systemic responses by governments and the international community to prevent and address violence against women is urgent and long overdue. Progress on this front would support efforts to reduce poverty and boost shared prosperity.”

New research, prepared for a forthcoming World Bank Group report on challenges to gender equality, shows domestic violence has a significant impact on a country’s GDP.

“This underscores that the loss due to domestic violence is a significant drain on an economy’s resources. Violence against women and girls is a global epidemic, with devastating consequence for individuals, communities, societies, and economies. Addressing this challenge head-on promises to significantly advance our efforts to end extreme poverty and increase prosperity for all,” Klugman said.

The World Health Organization (WHO) estimates that more than one-third of women worldwide (some 35 percent) experience gender-based violence over the course of their lives. This ranges from about 37 percent in women in the WHO African, Eastern Mediterranean, and South-East Asia regions to 23 percent in the high-income region and 25 percent in the European and Western Pacific Regions.

Globally, conservative estimates of lost productivity resulting from domestic violence range from 1.2 of GDP in Brazil and Tanzania to 2 percent of GDP in Chile. And those figures don’t include costs associated with long-term emotional impact and second-generation consequences. One study estimates total costs linked to domestic violence for the United Kingdom, including reduced well-being, at 10 percent of GDP.

The World Bank Group has identified gender-based violence as a frontier area in which development initiatives could have transformational impacts.

Source: http://www.worldbank.org/en/news/press-release/2013/11/25/violence-against-women-exacts-high-economic-price-world-bank-says

Our Sister’s Keeper

Story Created: Dec 1, 2013 at 11:03 PM ECT

Story Updated: Dec 1, 2013 at 11:03 PM ECT

 

Last week we marked the International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women. Here in Trinidad and Tobago, it was also a week in which a 26-year-old pregnant woman died of a heart attack; a cocaine addict with a three-week-old baby appeared in court; a battered 18-year-old woman was featured on our front page; and a Tobago secondary school pupil who, having been gang-raped at a football match in October, was publicly embarrassed by a school official. As if these were not tragic enough, the week ended with the horrific discovery of the body of missing six-year-old Keyana Cumberbatch who had been raped and murdered before being stashed in a barrel of clothes at her home.

All these incidents, in different ways, highlight the ongoing challenges faced by women and girls in this country. Worrying levels of maternal mortality, single motherhood, domestic abuse, rape and murder paint a dismal picture of the conditions affecting the female population. At the same time, they contrast sharply with the consistent reports of female mobility and success in every sphere of national life.

Trinidad and Tobago can be proud of the progress of its women, many of whom have made their mark as high-performers in sport, education, the corporate world, politics and civic life. In the face of all this progress, however, women remain under threat of the age-old scourge of rape and domestic abuse. To combat these crimes against women, T&T has enacted stronger legislation and enhanced support systems. The results, however, remain unimpressive. So long as one woman or girl is raped or abused we will have to accept that our society is not safe enough for our female population. While Parliament, police and the State have their responsibilities in doing so, there is a role for each one of us.

We can help by being more alert and perceptive about the signs of distress and anxiety in others, especially children and women, more willing to listen, more supportive of those enduring testing times, and more informed about the resources and avenues available for helping victims of abuse.
Our institutions, too, are critical in making this country safer and more supportive of our girls and women. The memory of the police officer who refused to lend a raincoat to a naked victim of rape remains a burning memory of shame. Ditto for the school official who failed the entire education system by embarrassing a schoolgirl who had endured the trauma of gang-rape.

In 2013, there is no longer any excuse for attitudes to rape and domestic abuse that belong to the Dark Ages. As a people we must commit to setting our faces firmly against both and reject any suggestion that crimes against women and girls are in any way justifiable. All of us, men and women, girls and boys, must rise to the responsibility of being our sister’s keeper. 

 

Source: http://www.trinidadexpress.com/commentaries/Our-sisters-keeper-234017831.html