Edited by Iqbal Osman, Teresa, Mike Massaroli, Fianchetto and 16 others
The negative moods and thinking of a toxic person are pervasive – nervous energy, anger, sadness, complaints, clinginess, a view of the world constantly tinged with negativity. And if you happen to be caught up with toxic people daily in your life, by letting their negativity get to you, it can erode your own sense of self and deflate even the most optimistic outlook. Constantly negative emotions can lead to illness and a shortened lifespan – toxic personalities are not healthy for themselves or for you. And since misery loves company, miserable people will try to drag you into their fold; however, take charge of defending yourself and learn how to break free from toxic attitudes around you, to sustain your healthy, fulfilling, and optimistic outlook.
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1Discover your current attitudes towards life in general. There is no point in striving to be progressive and successful, when you yourself possess the negative energy that holds you back. Take stock of your actions and words. If your own behaviors head in the direction of self-pity and pessimism (a self-perceived victim status), it's time to re-track and start over by making a choice to adopt more optimistic beliefs and attitudes. Life will give you what you expect, so that your expectations need to be balanced with realistic measures and a more positive framework. This starts with you as a person before looking to blame others for your failures and miseries.
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2Learn to pick up on the energy (or vibes) around you. Besides knowing yourself well, you need to know how you feel when toxic people are around you. You probably already know how to do this but learn to make it a conscious act, not just an unconscious reaction. For example, think about how you feel when you walk into a business where everyone is friendly and cannot do enough to engage you in casual conversation. Then, think about walking into a business where the mood is sour, the assistants are barely able to mumble a hello to you and appear to have other things to do than to engage with you, their faces filled with resentment and a desire to be anywhere than where they are. The energy in both cases is enormously different and you pick up on it immediately. It is the same with individuals; you will grow to consciously notice when you feel immediately uplifted or plunged downward by the people in your presence and you can take steps to make choices about how to react once you recognize these feelings.
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3Recognize the toxic personality types. We all have our down days, and each of us is prone to the blues now and then. However, when it comes to toxic people, the blues appear to be a permanent state of being and feeling down, glum, angry, etc., becomes a primary personality trait rather than a temporary state of mind. The following toxic personality types are ones to be on the watch for:
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Angry at life: A person who is always angry, blowing up, shouting,
and reacting to everyone in a volatile manner is a toxic person. They
need a lot of help but you don't need to be their battering board.
Staying around a person like this will cause you to become angry too, to
see slights where there are none, to react instead of reflecting, and
to fear things.
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Everything in the world is rotten: A person with this worldview
is always down and always finds the dark side in everything. And they
love miserable company; the more dark thinkers agreeing with their conspiracies
and frightening theories, the better. Oddly enough, this person will
often be competitive about their misery, trying to outdo any other
person's misery. Prone to seeing other people's mistakes as enormous
transgressions (and therefore cannot forgive)
and to fearing that people are going to let them down/let them go at
any moment, they live in constant state of fate-determining negativity
and lack hope. Since they don't feel capable of changing their
trajectory, they'll try to drag you in with them.
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Attention seekers:
Insecure, unable to create their own sense of self-worth, and
emotionally immature, this person is a "clinger". They want your
attention, they want it when they want it (now!) and they need to
be at the center of everything. This person's constant need to be heard
and rescued will wear you down eventually and their inability to settle
down and take a good, long hard look at themselves means that they try
to suck the energy and life from elsewhere, namely from you.
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Gossips:
"When all else in your own life fails, spill the beans on other
people's misfortunes" is the motto of this difficult character. Instead
of keeping confidences and being supportive, this person allows envious feelings
to get the better of them instead of rechannelling their envious
feelings. Unfortunately, gossip feels exciting to those receiving it
initially, but it's like a sugar high- it soon crashes and the nasty
after-effects harm everyone. If you have found yourself caught up with a
gossip and you've enabled them or benefited from them, don't get hung
up on worrying about your complicity; forgive yourself, make a choice to
only speak well of others from this point on, and remove yourself form
their sphere.
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Fearful frighteners: Worry, anxiety,
"what ifs", and fear push this personality. Everything in life, from
relationships to crossing the road, holds some potential for fear and
terror, and this person's anxiety is unfortunately very contagious.
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Angry at life: A person who is always angry, blowing up, shouting,
and reacting to everyone in a volatile manner is a toxic person. They
need a lot of help but you don't need to be their battering board.
Staying around a person like this will cause you to become angry too, to
see slights where there are none, to react instead of reflecting, and
to fear things.
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4Take a look at the company you keep (or attract). Looking at the list in the previous step, analyze friendships, family relationships, working colleagues and decide objectively just how healthy these people are in terms of your overall well-being and composure. Do they bring out the best in you or do you serve as a sponge for all their problems and miseries? If the latter is the case, for your own sanity and well-being, let them go. This might be really hard initially because of the expectations and sense of obligation that builds up in relationships but staying with people who lead you into constant misery isn't going to be rewarded, so don't subject yourself to it. Disengage yourself from their company politely by minimizing contact until a healthy distance can be maintained. You need this time to ponder and reflect on saving and preserving yourself, drawing on the optimism, hope and positive energy you have within.
- There is a primal instinct in each of us to mirror others we're with. It's a survival and a social technique. And if that mirror is murky, negative, and lacking in self-esteem, it's a mirror you need to throw a drape over for the sake of self-protection and moving forward. Remember that you can't change another person, only yourself, so don't bog yourself down with excuses about being responsible for them or feeling pity for them. You can only truly help a negative person when you're no longer influenced by them.
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5Listen selectively when engaging in any conversation. Seek to hold onto the positive and constructive aspects of any conversation. Train your mind to consciously throw out the bad essence of the conversation. It becomes a matter of choosing what it is you wish to dwell on; allow the good side to hold stronger for you and to serve as the thoughts you focus and ponder on. When negative Ned starts getting really trying, return positive energy through positive words or suggestions that are supportive. Doing this creates a space between you; while the other person may be internally struggling to refute to your positive insistence, it is clear to them that you aren't going to be won over to the dark side!
- Create a personal signal to remind yourself to keep deflecting the negative conversation and signals beamed at you from a toxic personality. It might be pulling a piece of your hair, digging your thumbnail into your palm, flicking your wrist, tapping your knee, etc. This minor action is a protective mechanism to remind you to consciously note that negativity is being sent your way and to make a conscious effort to refuse it entry into or lodgings in your own thoughts.
- When dealing with blamers, shift the perspective. While the toxic personality wants another person to take the blame for a situation, stay calm and keep insisting that the problem be solved instead of discussing whose fault it is. Seeking to blame someone keeps things static, and stuck in time, and a solution won't be found because it has been lost from sight and the blamer doesn't want to take responsibility for improving their own situation anyway. Stick to the facts and point out what needs to be done to fix a problem. If they become hot-headed or violent, remove yourself from them and allow them the space to calm down.
- Use empathy and compassion with those who seek to spread fear. Limit your exposure to their fear talk by turning their negative talk back on itself. For example, if they insist that your business venture is going to fail, ask them "Well, what if it doesn't?". Help them to see the possibilities rather than endless negatives. And when they really get to you, see their fear as a form of being upset and tell yourself over and over again that this is their reaction, not yours, and that you have the choice to remain grounded and true to your goals.
- Always remind yourself that negative emotions have a time limit; they do not last, they will soon pass. You do not need to carry the ball of negativity with you beyond the encounter.
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6Develop a beautiful mind. This can be achieved by accepting the reality of things that cannot be changed. Let bygones be where they belong – in the historical archives of repressed memory. If these emotions become too difficult to attain closure, seek help to close this chapter fully and finally. In this way, you won't allow the negative thoughts to fester and control your present and future self; understanding and learning to accept what has been as a lesson in growth rather than a crystallization of who you in time for all time is the way to break free from negativity. Acceptance forms a great part of this beautiful mind, bringing closure and leaving the mind and body free to achieve a more fruitful and higher quality lifestyle.
- Take up practices that help to ground you. Some things that might help you include meditation, yoga, reflection in nature, martial arts, endurance sports, a hobby that fulfills a passion, etc. Find something that calms and centers you and to which you can retreat when you need to re-energize yourself.
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7Know what your needs and desires are. Take time to decipher what is important to you. Know what your likes and dislikes are and develop some idea of where you would like to see yourself in the future. Write down your plans on paper. Paste it on a wall where you can constantly remind yourself and stay focused. This will also help you when times get tough and you feel the gripping desire to fall back into older negative habits. More importantly, knowing what you want in life acts as a shield to prevent you from taking on board other people's expectations for you and treating those as your own instead. By all means remain open to hearing what others have to say but don't be swayed by what doesn't fit with your needs and desires, or by what stops you from being true to yourself.
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8Stick to your own beliefs and be comfortable with yourself. The doubts, regrets, and misgivings that others feel should be of no consequence to you and the paths you follow in life. It is commonplace to hear such comments as "My parents wanted me to do X, so I did", or "My spouse wanted to go to X city, so we did" and then to see the speaker behave as if their life were determined by someone else's choices. Or, there is the perennial "If only I had done things differently, I'd be famous/rich/important by now, but X held me back." None of these thoughts about the past are helpful to the person you are now: Don't allow other people or their preferences to serve as your excuse for a lack of an internal moral compass and set of beliefs. Your faith and confidence in your own beliefs will get you to where you want to be. Once again, listen if you have to, but do it selectively. Keeping away from people who confuse you is the next very best choice to make – make excuses to stay away.
- At times, you will need to make compromises with the people close to you or who impact your professional life; but, do so knowingly and confidently, and not because you feel bludgeoned into making choices by a toxic personality.
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9Find like minded people. As we all know, no person is an island – we humans are social creatures. As time progresses, your entire being will become accustomed to happy and wholesome interactions. What you will discover when you focus on sustaining an optimistic mindset and refusing to dwell on the negativity is that you will attract people with a similar mindset to you. Mingle with company that helps you to develop a healthy body and mind – be with optimistic, upbeat, and happy people. The more time spent with people of this nature, the happier and brighter you will feel. Their nourishing, healthy, and positive attitudes are contagious in a good way and will help you to stay on an even keel. Equally, once you reach the point whereby anything or anyone who disrupts your sense of balance and inner peace starts to irritate you, you know how to politely deflect them, and this confirms that you're well on your way to a greater and more contented life.
- Pass it on. Use the inspirational example of the more positive people in your life to guide yourself away from the toxic thought dwellers. In turn, become more like the optimistic people by seeing the best in others and complimenting the good you see in people. Be the source of a "healthy chain of emotions" by remaining upbeat when interacting with others; accept and give compliments with thankfulness, maintain eye contact with them, and smile.
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10Strive to become one with yourself, the environment and your needs. This may be difficult at the onset but given time, the routine of seeing everything as a wonder and finding the good and positive in everyday interactions will eventually fall into place. A calm and collected mind is ingenious and complements productive and sensible thinking.
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