Dragonfly Centre: What to Say When You Think Someone is Being Abused

Mission

Non-Profit, 501(c)(3)

Mission: The Dragonfly Centre is committed to the elimination of domestic violence against women and their children by providing victim friendly services that promotes the empowerment of survivors; through advocacy, public awareness and education and community based initiatives.

Vision: The Dragonfly Centre envisions a world free of violence against women and their children and social justice for all. We are founded on the vision and belief that every person has the right to live in a safe environment free from violence and the fear of violence and strive to work collaboratively with the community to provide victim friendly services to support domestic violence victims, survivors to the stage of thriving.

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Sunday, April 28, 2013

What to Say When You Think Someone is Being Abused

If you suspect a friend or family member is in an abusive relationship, talking with them about it can be hard. The most important thing you can do is to let them know that they have support and options to leave the relationship.

It's important to remember that you can't "rescue" your friend from an abusive relationship. Although it is hard to see someone you care about get hurt, ultimately the person being hurt needs to be the one who decides to do something about it. It's important to support and help her find a way to safety.

Here are some easy ways to help start the conversation:

Offer support without judgment or criticism.

There are many reasons why a victim may stay in abusive relationships. And, many reasons why she* may leave and return to the relationship many times. Let her know it's not her fault and that she's not alone. Respect her decisions, even when you don't agree. Do not criticize or make her feel guilty -she needs you to be helpful, not hurtful.

"It's not your fault he treats you that way."
"I know this is difficult to discuss, but please know you can talk to me about anything."
"You are not alone. I care about you and am here for you, no matter what."
"You are not responsible for his behavior."
"No matter what you did, you do not deserve this."

Don't be afraid to tell her that you're concerned for her safety.

Help your friend or family member recognize the abuse while acknowledging that she is in a very difficult and dangerous situation.

"I see what is going on with you and _______ and I want to help."
"You don't deserve to be treated that way. Good husbands and partners don't say or do those kinds of things."
"The way he treats you is wrong. Men should never hit or threaten the women they love."
"I'm worried about your safety and am afraid he'll really hurt you next time."
"Promise me that if you need to talk, you'll come to me."

Avoid confrontations.

There are many reasons why individuals experiencing abuse don't reach out to family and friends. It's important to recognize if she is ready to talk about her experiences while offering support.

"I'm here to help and am always available, even if you don't want to talk about it."
"Remember, you're not alone - I am here for you when you're ready to talk about it."

Don't try to make any decisions for your friend because it implies that you think she's incapable of making good choices for herself and it may deter her from confiding in you in the future. Instead, focus on offering support and encouragement.

"I want to help. What can I do to support you?"
"How can I help protect your safety?"

Encourage her to get help.

Suggest ways she can get additional support. Help her look into available resources, such as the National Domestic Violence Hotline number (for information see below) or a local domestic violence agency with specially-trained advocates to help her out of the situation.

"Here is the number to our local domestic violence agency. They can help provide shelter, counseling or support groups."
- You could also add: "They also offer services to help you understand the legal system, access community resources, relocate or get support for your children."
"Let's develop a safety plan."
"If you need to go to the police [or court or a lawyer], I can go with you to offer support."

If you are concerned about the safety of your friend or family member, or to learn about services in your area, contact the:

National Domestic Violence Hotline

Trinidad and Tobago
800-SAVE (7283)

United States
1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

Help is Available - Toll Free 24/7

*National statistics show that domestic violence primarily impacts women. Feminine pronouns are used in this document when referring to victims of domestic violence and masculine pronouns are used when referring to perpetrators. We are using gender-specific pronouns to keep the writing simple and clear, but we recognize that the issue is not a simple one. Sometimes the perpetrator will be female while the victim will be male. And, domestic violence can happen in same sex relationships as well.

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A Little Background…..

In 2007 I was introduced to the twin island Republic of Trinidad and Tobago. It is a beautiful tropical country located in the southern most part of the Caribbean archipelago. However, the opportunity to travel to this part of the world would not present itself until March of 2009. It was an incredible experience to be able to visit a country where I had never been before and I literally knew no-one. I had the privilege to experience a new culture and meet many wonderful people who made my trip an amazing experience. Although the purpose of my visit was recreational, something happened that changed all of that. One evening while on a hike with my tour guide and one of the locals at The ASA Wright Nature Centre, one of the men asked me where I was from and what I did for a living. It was at that moment that I disclosed that I was a Domestic Violence Advocate. He paused, looked at me and replied,… “we need you here”. At that moment I did not fully understand what he meant or how I could help.

A few days after this I visited one of the local court houses to learn about how someone could obtain a protection order. What I discovered disturbed me greatly, to say the least. The process by which abused individuals could obtain legal protections left much to be desired. This sparked grave concern for victims coupled with a desire to learn more about the local system and services. After I finished my travels all I could think about was the need of the people in Trinidad and Tobago. It was shortly after my return to the United States that the Dragonfly Centre for Women’s Empowerment and Transformation began to take form. While completing my Bachelors degree at Evergreen College, I developed an Individual Learning Contract entitled “Domestic Violence in Trinidad and Tobago” and was awarded The Benjamin A. Gilman International Scholarship. This allowed me to return to Trinidad and Tobago for my final quarter at the end of December of 2009 for my nine week study. My focus was on services addressing domestic violence. What I came away with was the echoing cries for help by the people who freely shared their personal views and stories. Although I wasn’t quite sure what, I knew I had to do something. As a consequence, it was these cries that gave birth to and helped shape the Dragonfly Centre to be what it is, a multifaceted institution with a focus on public education, shaping public policy and providing direct victim friendly services to support families dealing with domestic violence.