ISOLATION
The signs of an abusive personality
Indira sucked in a big breath of air, partially because it was coming to her turn at the driving school but more so because she was nervous about taking such a bold step. She knew her husband would not approve of her getting her driver's license but she knew she had to. After an incident in which their young daughter got into an accident at home and she could not take her to the hospital even though they had a car parked in the yard, she knew she had to do something about her helplessness.
But that wasn't the only motive for Indira's action as she knew having her license was the beginning of her freedom from the trap of a marriage she presently found herself in.
As she looked around at the mother's milk on the faces of the other driving students who had gone before her or whose turn was yet to come, she felt both uneasy about her age as well as sad that she had not done this way back when.
Thinking back, she was just like many of the young people surrounding her. Young, full of energy and bright, Indira had used every opportunity of her education to not be her mother.
Uneducated and unskilled Indira's mother was trapped in her marriage, her only solace, Indira and her siblings, whom she slaved for. But even in her apparent ignorance, Indira's mother knew enough to teach her daughter that her education was key to breaking the vicious cycle which sunk its claws in her and her foremothers before her.
Indira took this lesson well, inspired too by her father's attempts at controlling her life. And she was well on her way to doing just that when she met the love of her life.
In the beginning Shiva was all that she wanted. Caught in the euphoria of first love she lost herself in him. So much so that she had not noticed how in the three months after they met at university how distant she and her girlfriends had become.
After being told so by her best friend, she decided to have a girl's lime — that was when her situation came to light.
"No…You can"t…I won't allow you to."
The words that he told her that day were still clarion clear in her mind so many years later.
Not wanting to upset him and deeply in love with Shiva, Indira made up an excuse and disappointed her friends. Their friendship never recovered.
Her family soon followed, her hardest decision coming when Shiva told her to choose between him or her mother since he "needed" her.
His task of isolating her was complete when he forced her to quit her high paying job citing their kids need for a mother who was at home and not one who had the strains and pressure of work.
Indira had convinced herself that it could work since Shiva's business was growing and they could afford to live comfortably on his income alone.
To an outside observer, Indira was living every woman's dream life — Big house, three beautiful kids and not having to work. But on the inside Indira's wedding vows of two becoming one had turned into a real life nightmare.
Banned from working, Indira was now fully dependent on her husband's whim and fancy in paying her an allowance. An allowance that had decreased in value over the years since it had not increased to adjust to time and inflation, which had left her living like a pauper in a rich man's world.
Accepting that she had become her mother and was now the home's servant living vicariously through her children; her world took its biggest blow when she discovered Shiva had a mistress.
Unable to fathom how a man whom she gave all of herself to could do such a thing to her, she saw Shiva's unbelievable behaviour compounded by his refusal to accept even the slightest blame for his infidelity.
In one last swipe, her last shred of self-esteem was shredded when he blamed his infidelity on her, saying she had let herself go and she wasn't "tight" enough.
As the thoughts about how she had allowed him to break bridges between her and her friends and drive wedges between her and her family, leaving her trapped in the circle of his life which saw her every move encircled by his, but not reciprocated by him, Indira grew angrier; angrier that she had not recognised this sooner.
But she was comforted by the fact that she had actually made first steps to rescue the real her. So as she stood in the compound of the licensing office, Indira beamed as she looked at the learner's car driving into the yard towards her.
She was taking a step which most took before they hit twenty but at least she was taking it.
As she stepped to the car's driver side the delight about getting to drive a car fell off her face as she saw Shiva's car hurriedly enter the compound.
Unfurling his massive frame from behind his driver's seat it only took him a couple of his large steps to be in her personal space.
"Get in the car!" His voice boomed as he pointed at his car.
To the mostly young people gathered around, his tone and mannerisms reminded them of a father speaking to a child. Not even one their age, but a very young one who had done something very very wrong.
All eyes fixed on Indira's tiny frame, completely covered by Shiva's shadow which enveloped her.
What happened next would have shocked even the most uninterested individual. From deep within her belly, came Indira's response.
"ENOUGH!!!"
The years of him chipping away at her individuality had left a hollow where once she stood, but out of the abyss of that hollow lurked the real Indira, hiding, ashamed. But it was also waiting and when this opportunity presented itself, the real Indira decided to come out of her dark hole.
Isolation is a key component of the abuser's personality. That desire to break your will and separate you from any other sources of strength besides their own is their ultimate goal. The healthiest relationships are ones in which both partners understand that their union must not overshadow and supersede their right and their partner's right to still be an individual.
Timothy Christopher P Nokio is the Author of A Man's Guide to Good Cheating…What Most Men want to Know…But What ALL Women Should Know and he can be contacted on FaceBook at Timothy Christopher P Nokio or at Fan Page Timothy Christopher
P Nokio.
Source: http://www.trinidadexpress.com/woman-magazine/ISOLATION-139140054.html
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