The 9 Most Overlooked Threats to a Marriage

By Kelly M. Flanagan

Clinical Psychologist, Writer, Blogger

I feel bad for marital communication, because it gets blamed for everything. For generations, in survey after survey, couples have rated marital communication as the number one problem in marriage. It's not.

Marital communication is getting a bad rap. It's like the kid who fights back on the playground. The playground supervisors hear a commotion and turn their heads just in time to see his retaliation. He didn't create the problem; he was reacting to the problem. But he's the one who gets caught, so he's sent off to the principal's office.
Or, in the case of marital communication, the therapist's office.

I feel bad for marital communication, because everyone gangs up on him, when the truth is, on the playground of marriage, he's just reacting to one of the other troublemakers who started the fight:

1. We marry people because we like who they are. People change. Plan on it. Don't marry someone because of who they are, or who you want them to become. Marry them because of who they are determined to become. And then spend a lifetime joining them in their becoming, as they join you in yours.

2. Marriage doesn't take away our loneliness. To be alive is to be lonely. It's the human condition. Marriage doesn't change the human condition. It can't make us completely unlonely. And when it doesn't, we blame our partner for doing something wrong, or we go searching for companionship elsewhere. Marriage is intended to be a place where two humans share the experience of loneliness and, in the sharing, create moments in which the loneliness dissipates. For a little while.

3. Shame baggage. Yes, we all carry it it. We spend most of our adolescence and early adulthood trying to pretend our shame doesn't exist so, when the person we love triggers it in us, we blame them for creating it. And then we demand they fix it. But the truth is, they didn't create it and they can't fix it. Sometimes the best marital therapy is individual therapy, in which we work to heal our own shame. So we can stop transferring it to the ones we love.

4. Ego wins. We've all got one. We came by it honestly. Probably sometime around the fourth grade when kids started to be jerks to us. Maybe earlier if our family members were jerks first. The ego was a good thing. It kept us safe from the emotional slings and arrows. But now that we're grown and married, the ego is a wall that separates. It's time for it to come down. By practicing openness instead of defensiveness, forgiveness instead of vengeance, apology instead of blame, vulnerability instead of strength, and grace instead of power.

5. Life is messy and marriage is life. So marriage is messy, too. But when things stop working perfectly, we start blaming our partner for the snags. We add unnecessary mess to the already inescapable mess of life and love. We must stop pointing fingers and start intertwining them. And then we can we walk into, and through, the mess of life together. Blameless and shameless.

6. Empathy is hard. By its very nature, empathy cannot happen simultaneously between two people. One partner must always go first, and there's no guarantee of reciprocation. It takes risk. It's a sacrifice. So most of us wait for our partner to go first. A lifelong empathy standoff. And when one partner actually does take the empathy plunge, it's almost always a belly flop. The truth is, the people we love are fallible human beings and they will never be the perfect mirror we desire. Can we love them anyway, by taking the empathy plunge ourselves?

7. We care more about our children than about the one who helped us make them. Our kids should never be more important than our marriage, and they should never be less important. If they're more important, the little rascals will sense it and use it and drive wedges. If they're less important, they'll act out until they are given priority. Family is about the constant, on-going work of finding the balance.

8. The hidden power struggle. Most conflict in marriage is at least in part a negotiation around the level of interconnectedness between lovers. Men usually want less. Women usually want more. Sometimes, those roles are reversed. Regardless, when you read between the lines of most fights, this is the question you find: Who gets to decide how much distance we keep between us? If we don't ask that question explicitly, we'll fight about it implicitly. Forever.

9. We don't know how to maintain interest in one thing or one person anymore. We live in a world pulling our attention in a million different directions. The practice of meditation--attending to one thing and then returning our attention to it when we become distracted, over and over and over again--is an essential art. When we are constantly encouraged to attend to the shiny surface of things and to move on when we get a little bored, making our life a meditation upon the person we love is a revolutionary act. And it is absolutely essential if any marriage is to survive and thrive.

As a therapist, I can teach a couple how to communicate in an hour. It's not complicated. But dealing with the troublemakers who started the fight? Well, that takes a lifetime.
And yet.

It's a lifetime that forms us into people who are becoming ever more loving versions of ourselves, who can bear the weight of loneliness, who have released the weight of shame, who have traded in walls for bridges, who have embraced the mess of being alive, who risk empathy and forgive disappointments, who love everyone with equal fervor, who give and take and compromise, and who have dedicated themselves to a lifetime of presence and awareness and attentiveness.
And that's a lifetime worth fighting for.

This post originally appeared on DrKellyFlanagan.com

Over 200 Reported Cases of Sexual Violence in South

Minister Clifton De Coteau:

By:  Sue-Ann Wayow

Story Created: Aug 7, 2014 at 8:42 PM ECT

Story Updated: Aug 7, 2014 at 8:42 PM ECT 

 

GENDER, Youth and Child Development Minister Clifton De Coteau on Wednesday presented some grim statistics during the second National Consultation of the Domestic Violence Act 1999, at City Hall, San Fernando.

education is necessary’: Minister of Gender Youth and Child

Development Clifton De Coteau, addresses participants during a

seminar on Domestic Violence at the San Fernando City Hall

auditorium on Wednesday. —Photo: TREVOR WATSON

He said that in two police divisions in south Trinidad in 2012, there were more than 200 reported cases of sexual violence.
And last year, a victim of domestic violence murder was mostly likely to die by beating. 

De Coteau said that too many women considered themselves to be financially dependent on men.

He said although the ministry was attempting to assist women by having specific programmes, their husbands did not want them attending the necessary classes. 

De Coteau told the audience: “Statistics from the Crime and Problem Analysis Branch (CAPA), Trinidad and Tobago Police Service reported steady increases in the number of charges for sexual offenses with females as victims from the period 2009-2013. These acts of aggression ranged from grievous sexual assault, to rape, incest, and serious indecency, with well over 200 reported cases in 2012 alone.  The report for the same period also states there were 93 reported cases in the south western region and 161 cases in the southern region.”

The minister said: “Further analysis of the data provided by CAPA on domestic violence related murders for the period 2010-2013 revealed that most of the deceased were beaten to death at the hands of a common law husband, spouse or ex-boyfriend.”

From 2012 to September 2013, De Coteau said the National Domestic Violence Hotline handled 881 client calls.

Speaking with reporters at the end of the session, De Coteau said education was necessary for the women who were victims of domestic abuse and men should not deprive their wives of opportunities to improve their skills and abilities.

“At the end of it, both benefit. It is a win-win situation from an economic point of view. It helps to stabilise the family as well because you have two providers now instead of one,” De Coteau said.

And although restraining orders did not guarantee protection for women, mediation was necessary, he said.

Gaietry Pargass, legal consultant with the ministry explained certain aspects of the Domestic Violence Act. She said persons could be abused physically, sexually, emotionally or psychologically and financially.

De Coteau also advised the elderly to be careful how they were distributing their finances because they may not be treated well afterwards. He also encouraged them to know more about technology and to learn from their children and grandchildren.

Source: http://www.trinidadexpress.com/news/Over-200-reported-cases--of-sexual-violence-in-South-270415261.html

Woman escapes violent boyfriend by slipping note to gas station clerk

A violent goon is back in jail in Washington State after his battered girlfriend slipped a note to a gas station clerk asking him to call 911.

BY Philip Caulfield

NEW YORK DAILY NEWS

Wednesday, May 21, 2014, 2:03 PM

 

Bruce Dean, a clerk at an Arco gas station in Tacoma, 

called the police after a desperate woman trying to escape 

her abusive boyfriend slipped him a note.

A gas station attendant in Washington state helped rescue a desperate woman from her violent boyfriend after the woman slipped him a note pleading for help.

Bruce Dean, a clerk at an Arco gas station in Tacoma, said the frightened woman scrawled "Call 911" and her license plate on a scrap of paper and handed to him inside his store on Saturday afternoon, KIRO-TV reported.

The piece of paper also said "DV" — for domestic violence — and had a line that read "baby in car."
"It said call 911, and I did," Dean told the station.

When police eventually caught up to the car, the woman told them her boyfriend, Mark Valuckas, had been abusing her and threatened to hurt her child.

Mark Valuckas, 36, of Tacoma, Washington, was arrested 
Saturday on felony assault and harassment charges.

Valuckas, 36, stands only 4-foot-3, but has a long rap sheet.

According to reports, he's a registered sex offender who has been busted in the past for sexual assault, kidnapping and weapons charges.

Days before the woman's bid to escape, he'd stabbed her in the hand, burned her with cigarettes and hit her in the head with a baseball bat, police said.

The woman told cops she didn't try to run because she was afraid Valuckas would hurt her and her child.

On Saturday, the woman said, Vlauckas attacked her and held a knife to her throat.

He then allegedly told her to take a car ride with him so they could cool off, the New Tribune reported.

Valuckas was arrested and charged with assault and harassment.

He was being held on $500,000 bail.

Source: http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/woman-escapes-violent-boyfriend-slipping-note-gas-station-clerk-article-1.1800695#ixzz32zdn2uT6

Domestic violence needs swift response

Published: Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Bobbie-Lee Dixon

 

Domestic violence continues to escalate because of the “go-slow” approach by the criminal justice system in dealing with the issue. That, coupled with poor intervention strategies, is why lives are still being lost to domestic violence. That’s the conclusion of criminologist Renee Cummings. She said the criminal justice responses to domestic violence and interpersonal violence were flaccid. “We need focused, long-term intervention strategies to treat with domestic violence before it leads to domestic homicide,” Cummings said. “On a national level, we have also got to develop violence-reduction strategies to reduce domestic violence and the overall frequency of interpersonal violence.” She suggested swift prosecution, robust anti-harassment and anti-stalking legislation; offender rehabilitation programmes that treat with men and women who use violence in relationships; and multi-agency approaches and co-ordinated interventions to domestic and interpersonal violence, as some of the answers.

She said there was need for evidence-based programmes to assist men in understanding and managing their anger with strategies for self-regulation. “Men need to know they can access help and treat with issues such as anger, rejection, jealousy and the fear of being alone after a relationship is over—therapeutic interventions to help some men recognise that there is life beyond a relationship.” Her views were supported by lawyer and child rights activist Hazel Thompson-Ahye, who concurred that there was a “drag-foot mentality” on issues of domestic violence.
She said there was a need for a more structured and organised approach to prevention. The Domestic Violence Act needed to be revised and then actively enforced, she said via e-mail. Under the act, a protection order is the main remedy for victims of domestic violence.

But Thompson-Ahye said protection orders clearly do not work. What was needed was swift co-operation and continued interaction with victims by response units, she said. “I made a call last year for the police to be held accountable whenever they do not respond in a timely manner. “I strongly suggest that every report must be recorded and investigated, no matter how many times the woman recants her story.” Ways must also be found of continuing the prosecution of offenders even when the woman refuses to give evidence, she said. “Domestic violence is a crime and must be treated as such.” Cummings and Ahye were speaking in light of recent acts of domestic violence which had tragic endings. On January 9, a murder-suicide involving schoolteacher and Pennywise Cosmetics stores heiress Dian Paladee and her estranged husband Sanjeev Rambarran brought the issue to the forefront once more. It is believed Rambarran shot and killed his ex-wife before turning the gun on himself. That murder brought the number of domestic homicides to five between late December 2013 and January 2014.

Understanding domestic violence; beware of signs
In order to fight domestic violence, its dynamics must first be understood and victims must become aware of the warning signs, both Thompson-Ahye and Cummings said. Thompson-Ahye noted domestic violence was a copycat-type crime. “I say that because in the past I have had clients tell me that when there is a report of domestic violence in the newspapers, their husbands have waved the newspapers in their faces and told them they had better watch out, they might be next,” she said. She said the ultimate act of spouse murder is never the first act of violence and women need to take very seriously the first hint of violence even when the man appears to be contrite afterwards. “People who are experiencing domestic violence must be taught to recognise the triggers that precede the acts of violence and how to devise a safety plan for a quick getaway,” Thompson-Ahye said. “There are women who even during courtship experience violence and proceed to marry the same man. There are cases where the one act of violence is never repeated, but that is very rare and one would have to examine the perpetrator’s personal history to determine if that act was an aberration.”

Empower victims, reduce the cycle
Sharing a tragic story of a client who lost her life to domestic violence, Thompson-Ahye said the Government needed to do more to empower victims. She said the Government needed to spend more money on resources for victims, as too much is left up to NGOs, which are constantly begging and fund-raising. “Victims need shelters, training to become self-reliant, if they are unemployed, money to help them until they get on their feet and, very important, counselling for them and their children. “Domestic violence is a drain on our human and financial resources. It impacts the quality of life of victims, affects the effectiveness of the parenting, impairs the mental health of not only the victim, but also has a profound effect on the psychological health of her children who witness the violence. It also has implications for our health services, impacts employment, as days may have to be taken from work while the victim is healing or the bruises remain too visible to prying eyes,” she said. She noted that children were the most vulnerable in the midst of domestic violence and can become psychologically messed up later on and also become perpetrators or victims of domestic violence. “There is an increased risk in their being involved in abusive dating relationships and of their getting into conflict with the law. “Violence is learned behaviour and we need to teach children from early that violence is not an acceptable way of dealing with conflict,” Thompson-Ahye said.


More Recent Incidents
January 4: Shedrick Toppin, 38, was stabbed by a relative who is said to have been acting in self-defence.
December 26, 2013: Angel Persad, 21, of Siparia, was shot in the chest by her uncle, PC Lutchmansingh Pooran, who then committed suicide.
December 28, 2013:  44-year-old Steve Bain is believed to have committed suicide after trying to poison his wife.

Source: http://ht.ly/sPjtw

 

Husband tried to hang me with bedsheet

Teen alleges:

By Susan Mohammed susan.mohammed@trinidadexpress.com

Story Created: Nov 25, 2013 at 9:36 PM ECT

Story Updated: Nov 26, 2013 at 12:20 AM ECT 

 

A 25-year-old Barrackpore man who allegedly battered his teenage wife, then attempted to hang her with a bedsheet, appeared in court yesterday charged with attempted murder.

Darren Mohammed, a painter and labourer, of New Colonial Road, appeared before Senior Magistrate Debra Quintyne in the Princes Town First Magistrates’ Court.

The charge, laid by Constable Tambie of Barrackpore Police Station, alleges that on November 21 Mohammed beat Amanda Mootilal, 18, and threatened to kill her, said police prosecutor Sergeant Krishna Bedassie.
Bedassie told the court that the alleged incident occurred at the couple’s home, where he allegedly cuffed and slapped Mootilal.

Mohammed is alleged to have tied a bedsheet around her neck and attempted to hang the teenager.
Mohammed’s attorney, Ravi Bunsee, applied for bail on the grounds that his client had no previous convictions.

However, the prosecutor objected to the application because of the violent nature of the offence and for fear that the victim would be interfered with.

Quintyne upheld the objection and denied bail.

Mohammed was remanded into custody until December 10.

Attorney Petronilla Basdeo also informed the magistrate that she is seeking a fiat to prosecute the case against Mohammed.

Basdeo also appeared on the teenager’s behalf in an application for a protection order against Mohammed.

The application was heard before Magistrate Avason Quinlan in the Second Court.

An interim order was granted and the case was adjourned to December 2.

Basdeo has also arranged for Mootilal, the mother of a two-year-old, to meet with a counsellor.
Meanwhile, the National Self Help Commission has confirmed receiving an application for assistance for Mootilal.

The Commission’s chief executive officer Reynold Baldeosingh said Mootilal has been invited to apply to the Commission for a grant and, once she qualifies, she will be assisted in building a home. 

 

Source:http://www.trinidadexpress.com/news/Husband-tried-to-hang-me-with-bedsheet-233395261.html

‘Why such hate against women?’

By RACHAEL ESPINET Tuesday, November 26 2013

AMID the background of sobering statistics including 11,382 domestic violence cases being filed in the courts between 2012 and this year, member of the Coalition Against Domestic Violence Diana Mahabir Wyatt, yesterday asked one simple question: “why do we hate women?”

Speaking at the Ministry of Gender, Youth and Child Development’s breakfast seminar at Capital Plaza in Port-of-Spain, held to commemorate International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women, Mahabir-Wyatt asked, “Why is it that we (women) are so hated? Why is it that we are beaten, we are put down, we are condescended to, we are made to feel that we are inferior in society. Why?”

She said since the 1960s she has become very aware of the “gruesome” nature of domestic violence but questioned how much the country has really done to eliminate this abuse.

“We keep noticing more and more examples of violence against women and I kept going to meetings like this where people talked about how terrible things are, but nobody is doing anything about it,” she said.

Every year since 1999, November 25 has been used to commemorate the day. This year’s theme for International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women is, “Intimate Partner Violence.”

Yesterday also saw the start of the United Nation’s (UN) 16 Days of Activism, where Non Governmental Organisations, Community-based Organisations, Government bodies and any person can advocate for the elimination of gender-based violence. The 16 Days of Activism ends on December 10 — Human Rights Day.

Some facts revealed at yesterday’s meeting included that for the period of January to August 2013, there were six domestic violence related murders, 266 sexual offences involving females and 116 people charged for sexual offences against females, according to statistics from the Crime and Problem Analysis Unit (CAP) of the Trinidad and Tobago Police Service.

According to the Police Service Serious Crime Statistics, from January to September 2013, there have been 371 reported cases of rape, incest and sexual offences. The annual report of the Judiciary of the Republic of Trinidad and Tobago reveals that for the 2012/2013 law term, 11,382 domestic violence applications were filed.

Clifton De Coteau, Minister of Gender, Youth and Child Development said that society has become so conditioned to violence that some do not acknowledge when violent acts happen to them.

“Being so conditioned by society, they do not see domestic and gender-based violence as a crime in the same way that they see the assault of one man by another or damage to property as a crime. It is accepted in many circles that such abuse is an inevitable part of the burden women have to bear,” he said.

De Coteau said the Ministry will build safe houses for women as well as provide programmes like the Defining Masculine Excellence Programme which allows men to learn about their relationships and inner feelings rather than using violence.

Source: http://newsday.co.tt/news/0,187038.html

Gender-based violence figures alarming, says De Coteau

By Michelle Loubon

Story Created: Oct 23, 2013 at 11:21 PM ECT

Story Updated: Oct 24, 2013 at 11:49 AM ECT 

 

INTERVENTIONS NEEDED: Clifton De Coteau

Clifton de Coteau, Minister of Gender, Youth and Child Development, says he was “alarmed” by statistics which revealed homicides, including a majority caused by gender-based violence, were second to gang-related murders

.
He also said interventions, including adequate data collection, non-acceptance on the path of females and legislation, will work towards eradicating violence.

De Coteau made these comments at the restaurant, National Academy for the Performing Arts (NAPA) building, Keate Street, Port of Spain, yesterday during a seminar on Gender-based Violence hosted by the Gender Ministry, in collaboration with the Embassy of Chile and the United Nations. Gender-based violence was deemed any violence that is perpetuated against a person and has a negative effect, includng physical, social or cultural.

The evil scourge manifests itself in rape, domestic violence, trafficking of women and girls, prostitution, harassment, forced marriage, female genital mutilation and sexual assault of children.

Among those present were Raziah Ahmed, Minister in the Minstry of Gender, Youth and Child Development; Chilean Ambassador Fernando Ayala; United Nations Co-ordinator/T&T Richard Blewitt; Dr Yitades Gebre, PAHO/WHO representative; legal consultant on Gender Gaietry Pargass and Angeli Gajadhar, Hindu Women’s Organisation representative.
 

In his first assignment since his illness, De Coteau cited statistics from Crime and Problem Analysis. He said: “The homicide statistics are second only to gang murders. In 2010, there were 940 reports of domestic violence and 68.2 per cent for assault by beating. The high incidence of gang rape is indeed horrifying.
“There are 250 reports of rape, 32 reports of incest and 150 reports of grevious damage, 278 reports of sexual assault and sex with minors (females from 14 to 16).”
 

He added: “From January to August 2013, there were 266 reported cases of sexual offences against females and with one more (at Macqueripe) 267, 116 were charged with Seuxal Offences. We heard (Ayala, Blewitt) about ‘one in three women’ being a victim of violence.”

While these stats made it into the public domain, De Coteau and other speakers said “It is the tip of the iceberg since many cases go unreported for fear of being ‘re-victimised’.” 

 

Source: http://www.trinidadexpress.com/news/Gender-based-violence-figures-alarming-says-De-Coteau-229033541.html

Health, Crime Issues High on Needs List for Women

Health, crime issues high on needs list for women

By Tiffanie Drayton Sunday, September 8 2013

Women shop for bargains on Charlotte Street, Port-of-Spain yesterday. ...

Women are seldom the focus of the national budget despite society’s growing economic dependency on them as not only primary child caretakers, but also, in many cases, the sole household breadwinners.

Not having many expectations about the Government’s ability to effect change or provide assistance have led to many women becoming jaded when it comes to discussing their needs but still they hope someone might heed their cries for help.

“Right now, as a woman, I work like a man,” said Jackie Garraway a 36-year-old clothing store attendant, “Whatever they (the Government) do, you still have to work hard to make ends meet.” Garraway, who has two school-aged children and describes herself as an “almost” single parent, believes one of the biggest unaddressed women’s issues is the need for better healthcare, especially in the maternity wards of the country’s public hospitals.

“The service at the hospital is terrible,” she said,”You could die or have a baby right there before someone even come over to help you.”

Other women have similar concerns. Nikisia Drayton, an expectant mother, worries that the country’s public medical facilities are underperforming and putting patients’ lives in danger. “I have a friend who has had a lump in her breasts for about two months now and they keep pushing her surgery date back. They don’t even know if it is cancer or not,” she said.

Violence is also a major concern for many women who fear that their families may be caught in the crossfires of the gun violence plaguing communities such as in East Port of Spain.

The pressing issue of crime has been addressed in previous budgets with very little to no progress made in decreasing the nation’s crime-related deaths. As of 2013, the murder rate continues to be driven by gang and drug-related activity, despite last year’s concerted effort to crack down on crime. Crimes related to sexual assault and domestic abuse have also been on the rise. Since 2008, there has been a steady uptick in sexual offenses from 692 to 1,020 in 2012.

“There was a time when everybody felt safe walking down the streets, but now I feel like if I always have to look over my shoulder to make sure I’m safe,” said Candice Greaves, another working mother.

Although social issues are the points of interest for most women, for others, the concern is economics.

One woman, a small business-owner on Charlotte Street who didn’t want to be named, believes the Government has unfair sanctions that hurt people like herself.

“Small businesses are being treated real badly,” she said, “The Government charges us VAT for any merchandise we buy to sell, but when we look to sell it, we cannot charge customers VAT and that’s not fair.”

The new budget may address some of these issues indirectly, but many feel legislation should be drafted that specifically targets the needs of women, as well as the community at large.

“Trinidad needs to make its women a priority because we are doing everything these days: we are working in and out of the home and many of us looking to start our own businesses. We need all the support we can get,” Miss Garrison urged.

Source: http://www.newsday.co.tt/news/0,183327.html

Economic Abuse

Economic abuse

By SANDRINE RATTAN Tuesday, August 27 2013

Often, the term domestic violence evokes images of physical abuse. However, many women also experience an equally devastating situation - economic abuse. Economic abuse can include an abuser preventing victims from working and accessing bank accounts, credit cards, among other isolating tactics. Financial security is the number one predictor or whether or not a victim of domestic violence will become free so as to avoid abuse.

For many domestic violence victims, access to financial, housing, and other community resources can make the difference between long-term stability versus return to batterers or homelessness.

The lack of economic independence for many domestic violence survivors have created its own challenges. More challenging is the fact that, batterers may leave abuse victims saddled with debt, through unpaid rent and utility bills.

Compounding these challenges, the cycle of abuse often interferes with victims’ ability to obtain sustainable employment, even for those who have education and/or work experience. Batterers interfere with a victim’s ability to work in many ways.

Other severe types of economic abuse include the batterer forcing the victim(s) to turn over her pay cheques to him; purposely ruining the woman’s credit rating; incurring large debts without the victim’s knowledge, but for which she may be held responsible; taking her money; credit cards or other property without her knowledge. Despite the serious consequences of economic abuse for survivors, though, the general public may not be totally aware of the extent to which these situations occur and/or exist, and therefore, this column will continue to create a larger sense of awareness as it relates to the very negative impact of domestic violence on humankind.


SANDRINE RATTAN is a Communications Specialist who has also studied Psychology/Environmental Relationships and Sociology.

Source: http://www.newsday.co.tt/features/0,182810.html

Saved from Domestic Violence

Saved from domestic violence

By JULIEN NEAVES Thursday, August 15 2013

WHAT would you do to help save a victim of domestic violence?

This was likely a question on the minds of the attendees of the Police Service annual Eid-ul-Fitr celebrations, held yesterday at the Police Administration Building, Port-of-Spain, as Police Service head of human resource, Veronica Simon, told of a family assisted by two Islamic women to get “out of a horrible domestic violence situation.”

She explained that the woman was a visiting student from one of the islands and got in a relationship with a young Trinidadian man “who began to whisper sweet nothings in her ears.” She forgot about her scholarship, went to live with him and had six children in six years.

“But the abuse began from the day the first child was born,” Simon recalled.

One night “in a reign of terror” he brandished a cutlass to cut off her head but she was rescued when her children jumped on top of her to save her. The police did not have a case against him and had to release him in 24 hours and a group of women were called in to assist, including two from the Islamic organisation Anjuman Sunnatul Jammat Association (ASJA).

The police got a home for her in South but then a taxi driver who was a friend of her common-law husband saw her and she had to be moved again. After that incident she decided to return to her island with her children because she feared for her life.

“And those children stayed for three months until we got them out of Trinidad. And we got them out at two o’clock in the morning and these two ladies were with me,” Simon said.

She noted that the assistance did not stop there and even after the family left the country the two women sent money for them to get settled back home. She reported yesterday that two of the six children are at university. Simon noted that the two women had “practised what they preached.”

“It was a way of life for them to give alms, to do good, to do things,” she said.

She asked rhetorically, “What do we do as a way of life, as a people? Do we do good, do we put ourselves out like these two ladies did?”

She noted Islam teaches that Allah loves those who perform good deeds and these women performed good deeds.

Source: http://www.newsday.co.tt/crime_and_court/0,182238.html

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‘The Long Term Effects of Domestic Violence’

‘The Long Term Effects of Domestic Violence’

By SANDRINE RATTAN Tuesday, August 13 2013

The long term effects of domestic violence have not begun to be fully documented by the many advocates against domestic violence, but what is known, is that victims of violence are psychologically damaged for a lifetime…changes occur in their thought processes; approach to life and attitude towards people in general.

In fact, the emotional and psychological abuse inflicted by batterers may be more costly to treat with in the short-term than physical injury.

There are various pieces of psychological research which show that many of the physical injuries sustained by women seem to cause medical challenges as women grow older. Arthritis, hypertension and heart disease have been identified by battered women as directly caused or aggravated by domestic violence.

Because of the severity of the effects of domestic violence, women need to pay more attention to the types of relationship in which they find themselves, as abusive relationships equate to DEATH??

Battered women lose their jobs because of absenteeism, which is usually due to illness as a result of violence.

Lengthy periods of absence from the job, occasioned by court appearances, also jeopardize and ruin women’s livelihood.

Victims also lose family and friends as a result of the violence….first, the batterer isolates the victims from their loved ones, and this in turn creates embarrassment for the victims and their (the victims) response is withdrawal from support persons.

There is yet another major challenge which victims are faced with – abandonment by their church, if they decide to separate from the abusers, since some r%eligious doctrines prohibit separation or divorce regardless of the severity of abuse.

Many battered women have had to forego financial security during divorce proceedings to avoid further abuse. As a result, they become impoverished as they grow older??

Domestic Violence is indeed a very bitter pill to swallow, and I do hope that through the publication of this column on a bi-weekly basis, women (whether or not they’re abused) become more enlightened and by extension, more empowered, to effectively address any domestic issue(s) which may be deemed to be violent.

Sandrine Rattan is a Communications Specialist who has also studied Psychology/Environmental Relationships and Sociology.

Source: http://www.newsday.co.tt/features/0,182160.html

Workshop Tackles Gender Violence

One in three women worldwide affected...

By Verdel Bishop

Story Created: Aug 6, 2013 at 9:12 PM ECT

Story Updated: Aug 7, 2013 at 12:15 PM ECT 

 

Globally, one in three women worldwide will experience gender-based violence in her lifetime, and in some countries, up to 70 per cent of the female population is affected. 

These statistics were yesterday revealed by Margaret Diop, US Embassy Charge d Affaires, who was at the time speaking at a Domestic and Gender-based Violence and Physical and Sexual Abuse workshop, which was organised by Caribbean American Domestic Violence Awareness (CADVA), at the US Embassy Conference Room, Briar Place, Sweet Briar Road in Port of Spain. 

“According to the United Nations, all Caribbean countries have higher than the global average for rape. These statistics make clear that addressing domestic violence is not just a moral imperative. It is an economic necessity.  In addition to the psychological and emotional tolls we pay, we also pay the medical bills and legal costs. We lose wages and productivity. Businesses lose employees. Families lose primary wage-earners. In short, we simply cannot afford to let gender-based violence continue,” Diop said. 

Gender-based violence (GBV) is a violation of human rights and a form of discrimination. It is defined as violence that is directed against a person on the basis of gender. Gender-based violence reflects and reinforces inequalities between men and women. Gender-based violence and violence against women are often used interchangeably as most gender-based violence is inflicted by men on women and girls.

Diop said the US recognises gender-based violence as both a human rights and public health policy concern.  “The US Congress passed the Violence Against Women Act in 1994 to protect victims of domestic violence and sexual assault.  
  
“The Act provides US$1.6 billion for the investigation and prosecution of violent crimes against women, imposes automatic and mandatory restitution on those convicted, and allows civil redress in cases prosecutors chose to leave unprosecuted. 

“One of the greatest successes of the Act is its emphasis on a coordinated community response to domestic violence and sexual assault. Courts, law enforcement, prosecutors, victim services, and the private bar currently work together in a coordinated effort to combat domestic violence,” Diop said.

Justice Joseph Tam said allegations of sexual abuse against children have increased. Lack of expert evidence, he said, continues to be an issue and noted that lack of expert evidence is an issue.    

“The family court deals with these cases as quickly as we can but the other courts are not suited to deal with these things because they are overwhelmed. Over the past few years I have noticed that allegations of sexual abuse against children have increased. 

“I am getting more of these cases and the difficulty is that as a magistrate you have to depend on the evidence before you and the quality of the evidence is the problem. We don’t have expert evidence in this area. We are not researched in these areas because very often physical evidence is non-existent, medical evidence is inconclusive and it breaks down to one party’s word against the other,” Tam said.

Diana Mahabir-Wyatt, chair of the Trinidad and Tobago Coalition Against Domestic Violence described the court system as combative. 

“Those in the legal system must be trained in how to talk to children. There are mothers who will not take their daughters to court and there are men who are the perpetrators who get away free all the time because neither the women nor their children who are victims want to have to face the court system,” Mahabir-Wyatt said. 

“There is a depression having to face the court; those in the legal systems need to be exposed to ongoing training,” she said.

Victim and Witness Support Unit manager, Margaret Sampson-Browne said often times emphasis is placed on protection of women and reminded workshop participants that the Domestic Violence Act is also for men. There are men who are of the opinion that the Domestic Violence Act is made by women for women but it’s not,” Sampson-Browne said. 

Dianne Madray from CADVA facilitated an interactive workshop in which various interest groups which attended included social workers, counsellors and members of the legal system. Madray focused on signs of Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) as it relates to domestic violence and the impact on the victim’s mental health and discussed the signs and symptoms of PTSD. 

Source: http://www.trinidadexpress.com/news/Workshop-tackles--gender-violence-218610641.html