When
one hears the term 'domestic violence', the immediate perception is of
physical abuse with emotional, mental and psychological abuse running a
close second. The reason, of course, is that physical abuse is the one
most easily recognisable. There is, however, an even more insidious form
of domestic violence and that is "financial abuse."
Most women associate abuse with
physical harm when, in fact, the most common type of abuse is verbal.
The result is it often takes even very intelligent women some time to
comprehend that what they see as control and meanness are really
manifestations of financial abuse.
Like other forms of domestic
violence, financial abuse is usually visited on a woman by her male
partner and is often coupled with verbal abuse.
Since women are normally the
homemakers in a relationship, and are sometimes unemployed outside of
the home, the male partner - who is usually the main or sole breadwinner
- often reckons that his paycheck gives him rights above and beyond
those of the woman.
The removal of most or all
financial support from partners who have dared to separate from them is
invariably the big stick that many men employ to beat these women. Very
often, it is this threat of indigency that keeps a woman imprisoned
within an empty and odious relationship until the day arrives when she
cannot remember why she is with a man she neither likes nor respects.
However, there are some who say "caution be damned" and finally free
themselves of the years of abuse that hangs about their necks like a
good albatross.
A superficial friendship of many
years evolved into an intimate relationship while Frieda Simmons was on
holiday from her home in London.
However, recognising the baggage
that this man carried, she returned home to her Chelsea flat and resumed
a very comfortable lifestyle. Frieda held a prestigious job in that
city, which she not only enjoyed but for which she was very well paid,
and was not inclined toward leaving any of this. Soon, however, Mr.Man -
let us call him Rex - arrived in London asking her for a permanent
commitment. Despite her own misgivings, and that of her friends and
family, she was persuaded that "it could work since he appears to love
you very much." At the age of 37, fancying herself "in love", with
dreams of a family of her own, coupled with the advice of her guru,
Frieda made the plunge.
Before marriage, she asked her new
husband for three things: that he would never take her for granted; that
their home in Trinidad would always have fresh flowers like her home in
London; and that she would return to England regularly so that she
would not lose her British citizenship. To her dismay and
disappointment, these were the first three things that he took from her.
It did not take the six months that
her sister had predicted she would last, before Frieda knew she had
made a huge mistake and that she was living with a man who was
secretive, controlling, mean and miserly. What to do? She had given up
her job, surrendered her flat and removed all traces of her life in
London. Moreover, she was pregnant with their first child.
So she decided that there was 'niente da fare' and that she would lie in the bed she had made.
Additionally, every attempt she
made to be financially independent was thwarted since doling out money
was how he maintained control.
Over the years, Frieda would
continue to discover that each time she thought Rex had been as mean as
he could, he managed to surprise her even more.
Additionally, every attempt she
made to be financially independent was thwarted since doling out money
was how he maintained control.
This woman who used to shop in the
most upscale emporiums in London - Harrod's, Jackson's of Piccadilly,
Fortnum & Mason and Harvey Nichols - and who used to earn in less
than a fortnight more than Rex's monthly salary, now found herself
having to go cap in hand to him for funds to purchase her toiletries and
underwear.
Meanwhile, this man, whose pride in
himself and confidence she had restored, for whom she had made a home -
largely furnished by her - now had the gall to question her spending,
while he kept his earnings shrouded in secrecy.
What bothered her was the fact that
as the years passed and his earnings, etc. increased and they were
indeed more comfortable materially, his miserliness continued.
While Frieda was expected to make
do with the same amount of housekeeping money as the years went by and
prices increased, while he begrudged even bringing a pizza home from
time to time, Rex was now able to afford to drink all evening with his
newfound friends at various watering holes, where he picked up the tab.
At these times, and despite the
fact that there were two young children awaiting his arrival home, Rex
kept his mobile phone securely switched off …
It took 21 years before she summed
up the courage to put an end to the abuse; 21 years in which as Frieda
says, quoting the words of Amy Tan - "I did not lose myself all at once.
I rubbed out my face over the years washing away my pain, the same way
carvings on stone are worn down by water."
Over the years, Rex had constantly
tried to put Frieda down, making her out to his 'friends' to be an 'arch
bitch' and himself the hard done by, long-suffering, gentleman Jim. Yet
a few months after their separation, he confessed to a mutual friend
that "Frieda has many friends, I have none." One wonders why.
Also, over the years, Freida had
emotionally 'shut off' from Rex; she no longer loved him but even worse,
she did not even like him. Still, the decision to end the relationship
was not easy.
When she finally took the decision
to separate, the abuse reached new heights. Within months he had stopped
all financial support. This was followed in quick succession by the
termination of the telephone and cable service, discontinuation of gas
and repairs for the car she drove and finally, the security service. He
waited until the electricity bill had accumulated for three periods
before forwarding it to her, marked "For your attention and payment."It
was a horrendous time.
However, Freida was surrounded by
friends who loved and admired her and who were determined that with
their emotional and other support, she would put her life back on track.
She began to write a column for a
weekly newspaper and soon her editor encouraged her to write more than
one column per week "so you can earn a bit more." There were others who
stepped in to help financially. Knowing that she would not accept
charity, they created work for her so that she could earn a salary.
When Rex stopped the garage from
fixing the car she drove - which remained in his name - one benefactor
gave her enough money to ensure that the vehicle was roadworthy, on
condition that she never spoke of it; a former employer transferred
money from his offshore account in the Channel Islands so that "you can
kickstart your life again". She had last seen this man in 1970…
Frieda promptly bought a computer,
which together with a roadworthy vehicle, are the tools with which she
has put her life back together.
It has not been as difficult as Rex
and his cohorts would have liked. They could not understand that
between the ages of 28 to 37, she had "been there, done that".
It has been eight years since
Frieda took the decision to remove from her life this
"emotionally-constipated" man who neither sustained her in any way, nor
made her happy. The road has not been easy but if you had seen her over
the years, you would never have known what obstacles she was trying to
overcome.
Frieda insists that no one has to
know that when you smile at them, you are 'grinding like a mill' on the
inside or as she puts it, "Be like the swan - floating gently across the
surface of the lake but paddling furiously underneath."
On the eve of Mother's Day this
year the following message was left on her answering machine: "Frieda,
this is …. I am calling to wish you a very happy Mother's Day for
tomorrow as I may be a bit busy. But you've been a splendid mother and,
despite everything, you've kept things together, and my prayers and love
are with you tomorrow and for the rest of your life."
A tribute like this from someone
for whom she has the greatest respect and affection tells Frieda that
the decision she took to end 21 years of abuse was, and remains, the
right one.
Rex is now married to a woman who
tried to blackmail him with a ghost pregnancy while she was married and
living in New York with her husband and two sons. His friends describe
her as "classy … she removes her chewing gum and sticks it on your
dining table before eating!"
Frieda, on the other hand, leads a
very simple but genteel life, surrounded by "a few good men and women"
who bring much joy and laughter into her life.
Times are still challenging and
there is always the constant worry over bills but in the end, she has
proven that no woman has to take abuse, in whatever form it is dished
out. When Frieda looks back at her life, there are a few regrets but
none where Rex is concerned.
She believes that in his own way he
may have loved her but his kind of love was claustrophobic and
controlling, which in the end can be dangerous and unhealthy. Rex
expressed his love by removing from Frieda all the aspects of her life
that brought her happiness so that he could 'secure his asset' by making
her totally dependent on his good will.
Frieda recognises that an element
of pride kept her in this odious relationship since as she says, "I
never wanted my children to grow up without a father."
However, she has not come out of
this abusive relationship empty-handed. She has two wonderful sons whom
she describes as "decent, upright young men", whom she loves and adores.
They in turn, appear to be quite fond of her.
Frieda maintains that, in the final
analysis, you alone are responsible for the quality of your life and
while she no longer has the comfortable lifestyle she once enjoyed, she
has fought for and regained her independence, financially and
emotionally and otherwise. Frieda has put an end to long years of abuse.
And at the end of the day, she has emerged victorious.
Some of the signs of financial abuse include
- Hides all income and earnings
- Constant criticism about the way or amount of money you spend
- Constant complaints about bills & other financial commitments
- Makes all decisions about money
- Frustrates your efforts to become financially independent
- Pressures you for sex in exchange for financial largesse
- Is grudging and miserly towards children also
- Makes a big show in public of how generous he is.
Did You Know?
Research shows that one in every
four women is a victim of domestic abuse - including physical, verbal
and emotional abuse - in the Caribbean and Latin America
In 1998 a Guardian newspaper
article indicated that some 100 women were murdered in Jamaica and that
most of the deaths occurred "as a result of domestic violence”. The UNDP
reports that 79 women were murdered as a result of domestic violence
between 1990 and 1996 in Trinidad and Tobago.
- Yvonne Teelucksingh
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