Dragonfly Centre

Mission

Non-Profit, 501(c)(3)

Mission: The Dragonfly Centre is committed to the elimination of domestic violence against women and their children by providing victim friendly services that promotes the empowerment of survivors; through advocacy, public awareness and education and community based initiatives.

Vision: The Dragonfly Centre envisions a world free of violence against women and their children and social justice for all. We are founded on the vision and belief that every person has the right to live in a safe environment free from violence and the fear of violence and strive to work collaboratively with the community to provide victim friendly services to support domestic violence victims, survivors to the stage of thriving.

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Sunday, July 6, 2014

5 Signs You’re in a Toxic or Draining Relationship

5 Signs You’re in a Toxic Relationship

“Toxic” doesn’t only entail obvious damage like physical abuse, stealing, or name-calling. It also represents all the internal turmoil that results from an unhealthy relationship. I’d like to share how I learned to recognize when I was in a relationship that was not suitable for me.
These are 5 signs that you are in a typical toxic relationship:

1. It seems like you can’t do anything right.

The other person constantly puts you down as not good enough. They mock your personality, and you feel ashamed most of the time. You only feel pardoned when you take on the traits of the person doing the condemning or judging.

2. Everything is about them and hardly ever about you.

You have feelings, too, but the other person won’t always take time to hear them deeply. You’re unable to have a genuine two-sided conversation where your opinion is heard, considered and respected. Instead of acknowledging your feelings 100%, they find a way to turn it around and make it about themselves. It seems these people particularly value having the final say.

3. You find yourself unable to fully enjoy good moments with this person.

Every day brings another challenge. It seems as though they are always raising gripes about you or someone around you. Their attempt to control your behavior is an attempt to control your happiness and sometimes ultimately to gain a deeper hold on your willpower.

4. You’re uncomfortable being yourself around that person.

You don’t feel free to speak your mind. You have to put on a different face just to be accepted by that person. You realize you don’t even recognize yourself anymore and may even find yourself saying and doing things you don’t fully agree with just so you can not create issues with this person.

5. You’re not allowed to grow and change.

Whenever you aim to grow and improve yourself, the other person responds with mockery and disbelief. There is no encouragement or support for your efforts. Instead, they keep you stuck in old judgments insisting that you may not be able to do things on your own or with success.
If you’re experiencing even just one of these signs, check in with yourself to see if the relationship is doing more damage than good. Evaluate the relationship and what it’s worth to you.
Embrace the answers that come from your intuition, as it wants the best for you—and this relationship might not be it.
Take deliberate action according to your gut feeling. You won’t be sorry.
Maybe you choose to talk about your feelings with the other person, or you decide to put more space between the two of you.
It’s important that if you’re feeling uncomfortable or unsettled in the relationship that you not wait around until the effects of the misery settle into depression. Taking any action is the best medicine.
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- See more at: http://www.spiritscienceandmetaphysics.com/5-signs-youre-in-a-toxic-or-draining-relationship/#sthash.iwDBB8D6.cSY1Q1Pt.dpuf

5 Signs You’re in a Toxic Relationship

1. It seems like you can’t do anything right.

2. Everything is about them and hardly ever about you.

3. You find yourself unable to fully enjoy good moments with this person.

4. You’re uncomfortable being yourself around that person.

5. You’re not allowed to grow and change.

Original concept By Yvette Bowlin edited by Kristopher Love

“Trust your own instinct. Your mistakes might as well be your own, instead of someone else’s.” ~Billy Wilder

I call these relationships toxic because our authentic self is withered away into someone or something else—forgetting all that was natural to you in the process.

Little do we know that our desire to be agreeable and accepted is inhibiting the natural process of growth.

While some difficult relationships can open our eyes to new perspectives and expand our awareness, some obviously shut us in and hinder our development. Our intuition will alert us one way or the other. It tells us, change and growth should feel good!

It’s important to know when you’re in a toxic relationship so you can choose something better for yourself.

When I was in my toxic relationships, I ignored my intuition in favor of my logical mind, which told me that losing that person was worse than having him/her around.

But our intuition knows best; unlike our mind, its only motive is our happiness.

5 Signs You’re in a Toxic Relationship

These are 5 signs that you are in a typical toxic relationship:

1. It seems like you can’t do anything right.

2. Everything is about them and hardly ever about you.

3. You find yourself unable to fully enjoy good moments with this person.

4. You’re uncomfortable being yourself around that person.

5. You’re not allowed to grow and change.

If you’re experiencing even just one of these signs, check in with yourself to see if the relationship is doing more damage than good. Evaluate the relationship and what it’s worth to you.

Embrace the answers that come from your intuition, as it wants the best for you—and this relationship might not be it.

Take deliberate action according to your gut feeling. You won’t be sorry.

Maybe you choose to talk about your feelings with the other person, or you decide to put more space between the two of you.

It’s important that if you’re feeling uncomfortable or unsettled in the relationship that you not wait around until the effects of the misery settle into depression. Taking any action is the best medicine.

Source: http://www.spiritscienceandmetaphysics.com/5-signs-youre-in-a-toxic-or-draining-relationship/

th5 Signs You’re in a Toxic Relationship

1. It seems like you can’t do anything right.

2. Everything is about them and hardly ever about you.

3. You find yourself unable to fully enjoy good moments with this person.

4. You’re uncomfortable being yourself around that person.

5. You’re not allowed to grow and change.

“Trust your own instinct. Your mistakes might as well be your own, instead of someone else’s.” ~Billy Wilder - See more at: http://www.spiritscienceandmetaphysics.com/5-signs-youre-in-a-toxic-or-draining-relationship/#sthash.iwDBB8D6.cSY1Q1Pt.dpuf

Original concept By Yvette Bowlin edited by Kristopher Love - See more at: http://www.spiritscienceandmetaphysics.com/5-signs-youre-in-a-toxic-or-draining-relationship/#sthash.iwDBB8D6.cSY1Q1Pt.dpuf

Sunday, June 22, 2014

Mayaro Mom Hacked to Death

Worthless protection order

By Carolyn Kissoon

Story Created: Jun 18, 2014 at 12:11 AM ECT

Story Updated: Jun 18, 2014 at 12:11 AM ECT

DEATH HOUSE: The house where Orpha Hackett was killed at

St Ann’s Village, Mayaro. —Photo: TREVOR HACKETT

The domestic violence protection order granted to Mayaro mother of two, Orpha Hackett, proved worthless on Monday when she was hacked to death by a man she once loved.

Hackett, 23, was repeatedly stabbed and chopped on the head, neck and chest at her sister’s home around 2 pm.

She had earlier secured a three-year restraining order against the man at the Mayaro Magistrates’ Court.

Police believe the 29-year-old suspect followed Hackett to the home of her sister, Jinelle West, at St Ann’s Village, Mayaro where he attacked Hackett, a security guard, outside the house.

Police said she attempted to escape by running through some bushes, but the man chased and grabbed her. He was armed with a knife and cutlass. Hackett’s screams alerted neighbours who rushed to her assistance.

Police said the man pushed the bleeding woman to the ground and began running. A vigilante group however chased and captured him a half mile away in the bushes. He was beaten and restrained until officers arrived.

Relatives said Hackett, who lived at Oilfield Road, Union Village, Mayaro, recently ended an abusive relationship with the suspect. She was the mother of a four-year-old girl and two-year-old boy.
Police said the man was seen buying two knives and a cutlass before the attack.

Hackett was taken to the Mayaro District Hospital where she was pronounced dead on arrival.

The body was removed to the Forensic Science Centre in St James. An autopsy performed by pathologist Dr Valery Alexandrov found that Hackett was severely chopped on the right side of the head. Alexandrov said the chop wounds were dealt with “great force” causing severe injury to the brain. He said Hackett tried to defend herself as there were cuts to her hands.

Source:http://www.trinidadexpress.com/news/Worthless-protection-order--Mayaro-mom--hacked-to-death-263583161.html

Paper Does Not Ensure Safety

Story Updated: Jun 18, 2014 at 12:08 AM ECT

A restraining order or order of protection is simply a document that requires a person to do, or to refrain from doing, certain acts.

The piece of paper does not ensure a person’s safety. It is up to that person to have a plan of action and to know what should be done when that protection order is breached. This is according to the Rape Crisis Centre and the Coalition Against Domestic Violence.

The Centre was responding to the death of Mayaro mother of two, Orpha Hackett, who was stabbed and chopped to death hours after getting a protection order against a man on Monday.

Amanda Ackbarali-Ramdial, a counsellor at the Rape Crisis Society, said women seek to have protective orders when the abuse becomes so severe that they are afraid for their lives.

She said women need to have a plan. “You need to be looking for a place to stay that is safe and unknown to the perpetrator. A place that is different, where he cannot find you,” she said.

Ackbarali-Ramdial said women need to become aware of the agencies available. She advised that women granted protection orders should discuss the situation with relatives. “The relatives need to be made aware of what is happening. They should be able to assist the woman by ensuring that the man is not allowed to enter the compound at anytime,” she said.

Siobhan Burroughs, a clinical psychologist at the c entre, said there were many agencies throughout Trinidad and Tobago to assist women in abusive relationships.

“As I am aware there are more agencies available than before which are quite effective. I am not sure if the public is well informed about safe houses and how they work. There are women who are concerned about going to safe houses because they are not sure if their children can be with them,” she said.

Burroughs said these centres provided a therapeutic and relaxing environment for women to “clear their heads” and help them think forward.

Ackbarali-Ramdial said women need to be educated on the red flags in a relationship because “an abusive relationship does not start overnight”.

“Things like when a man raises his voice, or becomes angry or controlling behaviour. All of these are signs,” she said.

Ackbharali-Ramdial said communities need to work together to protect citizens against domestic violence.

“We need to move away from saying that it is their private business. We need to get back to taking care of each other before it gets to this point,” she said.

Burroughs said the Rape Crisis Centre and the Coalition Against Domestic Violence also provide assistance to perpetrators who admit that they are abusers.

—Carolyn Kissoon

Source: http://www.trinidadexpress.com/news/263582961.html

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

The question can make all the difference

By Leigh Hofheimer

Just imagine you are sitting in your doctor’s office waiting for the doctor and chatting with the medical assistant. Maybe it’s your yearly physical or maybe this is your first visit and you just want antibiotics for a relentless chest cold. All of a sudden she starts running through this list of questions:

Have you ever been emotionally or physically abused by your partner or someone important to you?

Within the last year, have you been hit, slapped, kicked or otherwise physically hurt by someone? If YES, who? Husband, Ex-Husband, Boyfriend, Stranger, Other? Total number of times?

Since you’ve been pregnant, have you been slapped, kicked or otherwise physically hurt by someone? If YES, who? Husband, Ex-Husband, Boyfriend, Stranger, Other? Total number of times?

I would probably answer “no” to all of these questions even if I was experiencing abuse. It is so alienating to boil down the complexities of any relationship to these questions. And besides after I answer these questions, what happens? Where does this information go? Will you look at me differently? Judge me and my partner? Do you have any help to offer if I take a risk and tell you anything?

Current healthcare research shows that both finding the right way to ask and connecting a patient to resources is the two-step golden ticket for effective support.

Offering support starts with showing you have some idea about what living in a coercive and abusive relationship might feel like. Futures Without Violence offers a Safety Card with these questions:
Ask yourself: Are you in a healthy relationship?

Is my partner willing to communicate openly when there are problems?
Does my partner give me space to spend time with other people?
Is my partner kind and supportive?

If you answered YES to these questions, it is likely that you are in a healthy relationship. Studies show that this kind of relationship leads to better physical and mental health, longer life, and better outcomes for your children.
Ask yourself: Are you in an unhealthy relationship?

Does my partner shame me or humiliate me in front of others or in private?
Does my partner control where I go, who I talk to, and how I spend money?
Has my partner hurt or threatened me, or forced me to have sex?

If you answered YES to any of these questions, your health and safety may be in danger.

Their information also includes national hotline resources and where to get advocacy services.

I may still hesitate to answer these questions, but I know that the person in front of me is ready to have a deeper conversation and has some resources. Screening for, asking about, or listening for abuse in a relationship is not an end in itself. Providing support and connection is what survivors tell us they want.

If healthcare professionals really want to help, they have to take the time to learn the right questions and get comfortable connecting their patients to advocacy services. Consider helping by taking a stack of Safety Cards (they’re free) to your next doctor’s appointment.

Source: http://canyourelate.org/2014/06/03/the-question-can-make-all-the-difference/

Yes, All Men

JUNE 1, 2014

Charles M. Blow

As I drove my son back to college last week, where he’ll take a summer chemistry course, he said something that struck me: “I believe it’s very important for everyone to be a feminist.”

He didn’t say it for effect, to shock or provoke conversation. It was just one of those thoughts that surface on a road trip, a kind of sorting out of life by a son before his father.

He explained that he had never truly been aware of the extent of his own male privilege until recently, and that after watching the #YesAllWomen campaign unfold and doing quite a bit of reading, he had begun to chafe at the subconscious — and sometimes overt — gender inequity that pervades our society and the world.

It wasn’t fair, he insisted. Not to the millions of women he didn’t know and had never met, nor to his girlfriend, friends who are girls or his own sister.

I couldn’t have been more proud of his most principled stance.

Yes, we should all be feminists, but too often we believe that the plight of the oppressed is solely the business of the oppressed, and that the society in which that oppression is born and grows and the role of the oppressors and beneficiaries are all somehow subordinate.

Wrong.

Fighting female objectification and discrimination and violence against women isn’t simply the job of women; it must also be the pursuit of men.

Only when men learn to recognize misogyny will we be able to rid the world of it. Not all men are part of the problem, but, yes, all men must be part of the solution.

The statistics on violence and discrimination against women are just staggering. The United Nations Entity for Gender Equality and the Empowerment of Women has reported that:

■ According to a 2013 global review of available data, 35 percent of women worldwide have experienced intimate-partner violence or non-partner sexual violence. However, some national violence studies show that up to 70 percent of women have at some point experienced violence from an intimate partner.

■ In Australia, Canada, Israel, South Africa and the United States, violence by intimate partners accounts for between 40 percent and 70 percent of all murders of women.

■ More than 64 million girls worldwide are child brides; 46 percent of women ages 20 to 24 in South Asia and 41 percent in West and Central Africa report that they married before the age of 18.

■ Approximately 140 million girls and women in the world have suffered female genital mutilation/cutting.

■ In the United States, 83 percent of girls 12 to 16 have experienced some form of sexual harassment in public schools.

■ Women are already two to four times more likely than men to become infected with H.I.V. during intercourse. Rape increases the risks because of limited condom use and physical injuries.

■ In the United States, 11.8 percent of new H.I.V. infections in the previous year among women 20 or older were attributed to intimate-partner violence.

And that is only a sampling of the points made by the U.N. about the devastating scale of the problem. It doesn’t even take into account more subtle, but still corrosive, issues like job and pay discrimination, imbalances in parental roles and responsibilities, sexual double standards and the imbalance of political power.

Many of these issues are particularly acute right here in the United States. As CNN reported last year:

“The U.S. has a larger gender gap than 22 other countries including Germany, Ireland, Nicaragua and Cuba, according to a World Economic Forum report ... [that] rates 136 countries on gender equality, and factors in four categories: economic opportunity, educational attainment, health and political empowerment.”

Men around the world, in general, do not have to worry as much, if at all, about being the subjects of such physical and psychological violence. They have the luxury of not being forced to fully engage and confront the scale and scope of the problem — and that is the very definition of privilege.

But we can fix that.

Empathy is not particularly elusive. It only requires an earnest quest to understand and act on that understanding. The problems women face in this world require the engagement of all the world’s people.

“It’s very important for everyone to be a feminist.”

Source: http://www.nytimes.com/2014/06/02/opinion/blow-yes-all-men.html?_r=2

Sunday, June 15, 2014

Let’s call cases what they are: Domestic violence

By KARIN WHITE

June 4, 2014

Each day in the United States, three women are murdered by intimate partners — husbands, boyfriends and exes.

America has the highest rate of domestic violence homicide of any industrialized country. In one year, 12.7 million people are physically abused, raped or stalked by their partners. That’s approximately the population of New York and Los Angeles combined — or 24 people every minute.
We know this all too well in Pierce County, where any person on the street can likely recall a publicized case of a domestic violence homicide. What we don’t know is how to call this epidemic what it is, every single time.

In May alone, people died in our communities as a result of domestic violence. One woman escaped this certain fate with the help of a convenience store clerk — four others did not. One woman was severely injured; one perpetrator took his own life, leaving his two children orphaned and scarred unimaginably.

On the heels of yet another mass shooting specifically linked to misogyny, it is inexplicable to think that there is still minimizing or justifying of gender-based violence. While many people of all genders, orientations and walks of life experience domestic violence, the single largest risk factor is being female or perceived as effeminate.

And yet none of the stories this past month were initially reported as what they are — domestic violence. When the language we use to describe these crimes focuses on the assailant’s height, the notorious neighborhood or the perpetrator’s audacity to kick the police dog (he did, after all, just set another human being on fire), then we are really missing the point.

This matters because it is easy to distance ourselves from things we think don’t impact us personally.
Believing that mental illness causes such violence leads us to think we don’t have to worry if we don’t associate with the mentally ill. Believing that it’s just another crime in a historically high-crime area leads us to think that we can avoid harm if we don’t live in that kind of neighborhood, or that it’s a problem that only affects “those people.”

Believing that domestic violence is not preventable leads us to believe that we are powerless to change this problem whose repercussions reach into future generations and cost us all billions of dollars annually.

In each case reported in May, there was a pattern, a history and knowledge that someone’s safety was at risk. Each report is an opportunity to name domestic violence for what it is, to share resources, and have conversations that create space for thought and action.

In the time it took to read this, 100 more people were abused. You will very likely encounter one of those people, or be one yourself. Naming what’s happening and knowing how to get help could literally be the difference between life and death.

Karin White is deputy director of the YWCA Pierce County and has worked in the field of victims’ services for 15 years.

Source: http://www.thenewstribune.com/2014/06/04/3226613/lets-call-cases-what-they-are.html?sp=%2F99%2F447%2F

Read more here: http://www.thenewstribune.com/2014/06/04/3226613/lets-call-cases-what-they-are.html?sp=%2F99%2F447%2F#storylink=cpy

A Little Background…..

In 2007 I was introduced to the twin island Republic of Trinidad and Tobago. It is a beautiful tropical country located in the southern most part of the Caribbean archipelago. However, the opportunity to travel to this part of the world would not present itself until March of 2009. It was an incredible experience to be able to visit a country where I had never been before and I literally knew no-one. I had the privilege to experience a new culture and meet many wonderful people who made my trip an amazing experience. Although the purpose of my visit was recreational, something happened that changed all of that. One evening while on a hike with my tour guide and one of the locals at The ASA Wright Nature Centre, one of the men asked me where I was from and what I did for a living. It was at that moment that I disclosed that I was a Domestic Violence Advocate. He paused, looked at me and replied,… “we need you here”. At that moment I did not fully understand what he meant or how I could help.

A few days after this I visited one of the local court houses to learn about how someone could obtain a protection order. What I discovered disturbed me greatly, to say the least. The process by which abused individuals could obtain legal protections left much to be desired. This sparked grave concern for victims coupled with a desire to learn more about the local system and services. After I finished my travels all I could think about was the need of the people in Trinidad and Tobago. It was shortly after my return to the United States that the Dragonfly Centre for Women’s Empowerment and Transformation began to take form. While completing my Bachelors degree at Evergreen College, I developed an Individual Learning Contract entitled “Domestic Violence in Trinidad and Tobago” and was awarded The Benjamin A. Gilman International Scholarship. This allowed me to return to Trinidad and Tobago for my final quarter at the end of December of 2009 for my nine week study. My focus was on services addressing domestic violence. What I came away with was the echoing cries for help by the people who freely shared their personal views and stories. Although I wasn’t quite sure what, I knew I had to do something. As a consequence, it was these cries that gave birth to and helped shape the Dragonfly Centre to be what it is, a multifaceted institution with a focus on public education, shaping public policy and providing direct victim friendly services to support families dealing with domestic violence.