Posted by Michelle Bernard on February 11, 2013 at 10:16 am
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| (Christopher Polk — Getty Images) |
A few weeks after the 2009 Grammys, photos released of R&B soul
singer Rihanna’s face after her then-boyfriend Chris Brown had assaulted
her were explanation enough as to why she had not appeared at the
Grammys just a few weeks earlier. She had been brutally assaulted by
Brown.
In a November 2009 interview with Diane Sawyer,
Rihanna told Sawyer that it takes “eight or nine” incidents of domestic
violence before one leaves an abusive relationship. Moreover, she told
Sawyer that “When I realized that my selfish decision for love could
result into some young girl getting killed, I could not be easy with
that part. I couldn’t be responsible … If Chris never hit me again,
who’s to say that their boyfriend won’t … kill these girls”. Rihanna
told young girls, “”Don’t react off of love. F love.”
Conventional wisdom was that the relationship was over — Rihanna
would become a role model to women around the world, and through her
actions, would demonstrate that no man is worth it.
Fast forward three years.
In an August 2012 interview with Oprah Winfrey,
Rihanna told Winfrey that she had lost her “best friend” (Brown) in
one moment. She said that “It was a weird, confusing space to be in,
because as angry as I was … I just felt he made that mistake because he
needed help. [And I wondered], who’s going to help him?” Rihanna
continued, telling Winfrey that “No one’s going to say, ‘He needs
help.’ Everybody’s going to say, ‘He’s a monster. Without looking at
the source.’”
Three months later, in her seventh studio album, “Unapologetic,”
Rihanna and Brown recorded a song together entitled “Nobody’s Business.”
In the Jan. 31 issue of Rolling Stone
magazine, after officially reuniting with Brown, Rihanna told
contributing editor Josh Eells, “I decided it was more important for me
to be happy. I wasn’t going to let anybody’s opinion get in the way of
that. Even if it’s a mistake, it’s
my mistake. After being
tormented for so many years, being angry and dark, I’d rather just live
my truth and take the backlash. I can handle it.”
Then, last week, to the utter shock and dismay of men and women all over the world, Rihanna, blowing kisses at Brown,
accompanied him to a probation hearing where prosecutors argued that he
had failed to complete his 180 days of community labor, which he had
agreed to after pleading guilty to felonious assault in 2009.
In part, the lyrics to “Nobody’s Business” provide that “It ain’t
nobody’s business. It ain’t nobody’s business. You’ll always be mine.
Sing it to the world. Always be my boy, always be my girl. Ain’t
nobody’s business. Ain’t nobody’s business. Ain’t nobody’s business, but
mine and my baby.”
But domestic violence, the propensity of some to accept it, its causes, and its aftermath is everyone’s business.
As a society, we must ask ourselves what is it that happens in the
rearing of children in virtually every culture and at every
socio-economic level that raises girls and boys who are willing to stay
in, or go back to physically and/or verbally abusive relationships.
There are many reasons why women (and men) in abusive relationships
don’t leave. Money (the lack thereof); children; child custody concerns;
a lack of adequate protection through the criminal justice system;
poverty and the possibility of homelessness are all issues that
immediately come to mind.
But, what about the case of women of means who can leave and choose
to stay? What about cases like Rihanna where one leaves an abusive
relationship and then chooses to go back to it knowing full well that
this self-bondage puts one at constant risk of physical and/or verbal
abuse?
According to Tricia Bent-Goodley, a professor of Social Work at
Howard University and author of “The Ultimate Betrayal: A Renewed Look
at Intimate Partner Violence
,” “What this story tells us is that
domestic violence doesn’t discriminate and that it can occur no matter
how wealthy you are, how beautiful you are or how smart you are.”
Moreover, Bent-Goodley states that “It is so much easier for us to
focus on one individual – why doesn’t she just leave – it is much harder
for us to focus on ourselves and our communities – what are the
messages we send that keep women being abused in abusive relationships?
Our silence and our own inability to champion this issue fosters a sense
that domestic violence is not an issue. We need more courageous people
to stand against domestic violence.”
Bent-Goodley asserts that what we see with Rihanna and Brown and in
numerous incidents of domestic violence is not just one issue, but a
combination of many factors. Stigma, not wanting to be associated with
domestic violence, fear of losing social stature, cultural beliefs that
physical abuse is a normal part of being in a relationship, and
romanticizing what your relationship used to be versus what it actually
is and whatever is actually going on internally with the individual who
has been victimized that leads them to stay (or go back to an abuser),
are just some of the many issues we must look at as a nation in order to
halt this crime.
As an African-American woman myself, I couldn’t help but ask
Bent-Goodley about the complicated issue of domestic violence in our
communities. Bent-Goodley asserts that in the African-American
community, one of the issues many black, female victims of domestic
violence face is not wanting to put a black man at the mercy of the
criminal justice system.
As Bent-Goodley told me, “While domestic violence impacts all
communities, black women are further burdened with the fear of going to
the police and the courts because they don’t want to turn black men over
to the criminal justice system. They don’t want to bring shame to the
community and they don’t want others to think negatively about them and
about black men because they have the added dimension of racism and
discrimination to contend with. It can be a crippling burden no matter
your economic status.”
After watching Brown watching Rihanna’s performance at the Grammys
last night, I couldn’t help but to ask once again what we can do to
teach our daughters that no man is worth abuse?
According to Ludy Green, president and founder of Second Chance Employment Services,
the first and only employment placement agency in the United States for
domestic violence victims, “By helping our daughters understand that we
do not need to depend on any man, we have the capacity to do whatever
we wish or desire intellectually as well as physically. First, we have
to be an example to our daughters to maintain relationships in the home
characterized by mutual respect and affection. No man is worthy to
take away our peace of mind or distress us on a regular basis. Respect
and understanding is key to a well-functioning relationship.”
In 1923, in “Any Woman’s Blues,”
jazz legend Bessie Smith sang “Every woman in my fix is bound to feel
blue too, cause I love my man better than I love myself … and if he
don’t have me, he won’t have anybody else.” Maybe what we need to teach
our daughters and sons is that not only is this everyone’s business, the
key to happiness is loving yourself first.
